A Night on the Town with Kristen and Lindsay

A few weeks ago my sister, Kristen and I went out for a little break from our terrible monstrously awful lives. We went to the movie Immortals (movie review: http://nerdyshirt.blogspot.com/2011/11/movies-with-lindsay-immortals.html) and grabbed a bite at Subway. First our experience with Immortals. We saw this movie in 3D so we were given those classy stylish nerdy sunglasses.

The attractive hot date snatchers.

The second that we walked into the theater Kristen and I both noticed something. There were three other people besides us to see the movie. Three ancient other people. Honestly, all three were horribly old people. What were they doing at a movie like this? Who knows? Perhaps they thought that the shirtless Henry Cavill on the promotional poster indicated a good rebellious movie to go to on their escape from the old folks home.

The grandpas and grandmas from Hell.

After the initial shock of the Jurassic people we were going to see the movie with, we headed up the stairs. Kristen pounded her way to the top, shocking the fossils in their seats as they turned down their hearing aids. We found our seats on the back row, where we wouldn't have to crane our necks at a one hundred eighty degree angle to see the movie. The advertisements before the movie started, which was our cue to put on our attractive glasses. Kristen said to me, "The screen looks funny without the glasses." What I heard, "You look funny with those glasses." I replied with, "YOU LOOK FUN---Oh. Yeah it does." It's moments like this that make me feel like all the other dinosaurs in the theater. An advertisement for the latest Underworld movie appeared to which Kristen said, "Kate Beckinsale is ugly and a bad actress. She always wears that stupid leather suit." So true. During the movie we kept looking sideways at each other when something stupid or questionable happened as all super cool people do. After the movie we headed to Walmart to get groceries and we stopped at the Subway in the Walmart. After deciding what we wanted, we went to get our food. For a while nobody was behind the counter so several loud noises later, a guy that looked like an escaped convict disguised as a Subway employee came out. He said to me, "Eh wat gechuy?" Standing there with big vacant eyes I was furiously trying to figure out what he said. I could hear Kristen's brain whirring to figure out his puzzle language as well. Finally he said louder, "What can I get you?" Feeling like a complete idiot, I sheepishly told him what I wanted. After I told him  he screamed "what?!" I repeated myself. "What?!" One more time. Finally got it. The next painful question came. "Ew wamba to sed?" Not again. What did the tattooed little monkey want this time? "What?", I asked. "DO. YOU. WANT. IT. TOASTED?" "Oh, yes.""What?!" "YES!!!" After Kristen went through the same painful process of shouting at Charles Manson what she wanted we finally were able to eat. We got the groceries and went home afterward, and slept of our misery like slugs covered in salt.

Movies with Lindsay: Immortals

Not too long ago my sister Kristen and I decided to see the movie Immortals in the theater just for kicks and giggles.

 Turns out this movie wasn't all that giggle inducing. Don't get me wrong, it was a great movie but some things threw me for a loop. First off was the villain of the movie. What is up with his helmet? I mean seriously. Of all of the intimidating helmets that he could have chosen he decided to pick this:

"Red Lobster gift cards for everybody! But first you must die."

If I were a villain I would not go with the lobster hat. Personally, from a distance I would think that he was a really pointy rabbit with some serious issues. I think that this helmet also makes it very tempting to just stab his face rather than be afraid of him. However, his sissy sense of fashion does not make him any nicer, as he pokes peoples eyeballs until they bleed and the person keels over and dies and has his goons smash people's crotches with a hammer. Speaking of goons, check this guy out:

"You having fun yet you little biotch!?!?"

This guy is a pure pile of psycho mixed with heavy breathing. Even after having his chest repeatedly smashed with his own club, he just laid there breathing heavily like an over excersized beached whale. Eventually the hero of the story (Theseus) sliced his abnormally large head off. That takes care of his lungs being in hyper-drive. Next up on the butcher block; this lady:

"I'm weird!"

My problem with her is how quickly she was willing to show her bottom to the camera. And what a majestically big bottom it was. Here it is:

Huge, isn't it?

My theory is that butt lady was preparing to rip off her dress, so she had some velcro to hold it on until she thought it was a good time to sit on the camera with her bare bum. Desperate much? I'd say yes. My other theory about this scene is that they hired some homeless pervert to film her Texas sized butt while slobbering like a rabid pig while snorting happily. Seems logical right?

Overall, I really like this movie. I do not recommend that the squeamish or big bum haters go to this movie though. Pervs and/or steel stomachs will really enjoy this movie though. If you have a steel stomach, but you are not a perv (like me) just cover your eyes and scream loudly during the bottom scene, so not only do you not see or hear it, but you bother everyone else in the theater or room.

Movies with Lindsay: The Beaver

Let me start off by saying that this is the stupidest movie that I have ever seen. Basically a super drunk depressed Mel Gibson finds a beaver puppet in the trash, and he uses the beaver to talk for him. With an Australian accent. (Eye roll) This movie was supposed to be a comedy, but it was more of a horror movie if you ask me. See what I mean:

"I eat the souls of children mate."

Now if you combine this murderous Australian garbage beaver with Mel Gibson, you get this:

Attractive, no?

 Eventually the angry Beaver puppet drives Mel Gibson's family apart, and beats Gibson nearly to death (which was the funniest part of the movie) so he resorts to cutting his arm off with a table saw. This makes complete sense, since it is impossible to take off a puppet. Overall this movie sucked and I hate its guts.

Photoshop Mischief

I got an email from a friend, asking me to edit a photo for her. Here is the original email with the original picture:

I don't like the background. Make it cute! :)

Here is my response: 

Here you go.

Her response:
Okay that's not what a meant!!!! Hahahahah


Me:
Oh sorry. How about this?

Her response:
Hahaha that's funny.


Me: 
Or maybe you prefer this one?

Her response:
I like how its a close up like that!! :) just take away the funny looking pink thing and put a soft color background, like a vintage color. Make it look like something I would want to put as my profile.


Me:
The pink thing has a name and feelings you know.


Her:
Hahahah which is?


Me: 
A very ugly hat.


Her:
True that!!!!


Me:
I kinda want one.

Movies with Lindsay: Dylan Dog Dead of Night

Dylan Dog. Overall the movie was alright but I have some itchy issues with this movie. First is the love interest for Dylan. She had a funny face and was obviously disgustingly weird. Later my suspicions based on her face and weirdness were right, as she betrayed Dylan as everyone with half a brain would have seen coming. The fact that her head looks like it was rammed onto her neck, like a poor attempt to salvage a headless Barbie didn't help.

"Oh you're making such a fuss over me, really."

My next issue was the werewolves. You can tell that this movie had a low budget based on the fact that the effects for the werewolves appeared to have taken as much effort as gluing noodles to paper. The werewolves were more of sloppy hair placement and horribly obvious plastic faces. There's nothing worse that to have a plastic patchy haired plastic puppet coming at you with sharpened Chiclet teeth. 

"Hey girl hey. Where do you like get your fur done?"

My final complaint is the demon thing at the end. It seemed to be made from tire rubber scraps and threadbare curtains with a ram head. He also kept laughing hysterically, which led me to believe that this was some sort of acid trip off the wazoo. 

"Stop laughing!"

BONUS COMPLAINT:

The most irritating part of this movie was the final scene where the camera pans out. On a ledge there is this monstrously ugly gremlin muppet atrocity that turns and smiles at the camera. If I could find a picture of the ugly little monster you could see for yourself, but I guess that even the internet has standards.

Willy's first Farkle Trolling

Willy is now playing Farkle where he is able to socialize with others. Here is what happened: (The chat is on the right side.)

Shawna couldn't even stand to look at Willy apparently. 

To Willy's delight, he found a fellow pig owner.

The full conversation got cut off so here it is:

Willy: how is you?
Mary: Im really sucking at this game
Mary: Ive lost 3 in a row
Willy: it could be worser
Mary: ya it could but that was pretty bad
Mary: nice
Willy: if it make you feel better i ran over my favorite pet. he dead now. i sad
Mary: that is sad
Willy: he be bacon soon. me eat him and cry
Mary: ur funny
Willy: why me funny? you laugh at my face?
Mary: it is quite hilarious
Willy: me got hit by train
Mary: looks good for getting hit by a train
Willy: you nice
Mary: thanks
Mary: u made my day a little happier
Willy: you type in big ugly man in gooble you find my picture
Mary: lol
Willy: it true
Opponent left.

The Adventures of Willy: An Introduction

I have taken my Facebook trolling to a whole new level. You'll soon see why. Meet Willy McSquibbly:

Attractive, no?

Birth date: October 31st, 1910
Marital Status: Widowed
Employer: Da Slaughta House at Da Farm
Languages: Pig Latin and English with a Russian accent
Religious Views: Derp
Political Views: Fire
Favorite Quote: It dead when it die.
People that inspire Willy: Barbwa Walta
Favorite Sports: Witch Burnin (i burns witches)
Favorite books: Me can't read books. Theys bad.
Favorite Television Show: Jeperdy
About Willy: Me have no nose.

Here is Willy's very own Facebook page:

The Sims on Facebook:Time to be a Doctor

I've decided that it's time for Dr. Slaughter to finally fill her true role; an unlicensed doctor from Hell. The first thing I did was sell everything that Slaughter owned. Eventually I became nauseated by the overwhelming complaints from that dope in a hat. I got her the essential living supplies, plus some extra so she'd shut up.

Little moron trying to get past the crystal to get to her marijuana in the fridge.

After my reunion with more complaints about the meteorite crystal that landed in front of the fridge I punished the little weasel with some work that is normally performed by a dwarf of some sort.

Like a dwarf from Snow White but with stars!

After her hard work the hog went and raided the fridge while I made Dr. Slaughter's operating rooms for vic-I mean patients that are low on cash and highly tolerant of pain and unnecessary knee cap removals.

Featuring oven mitts for gloves, a butcher knife, and kitchen (operation) tools.

 So far no one has been desperate enough to get any oozing lumps or disfigured spines fixed.

The Sims on Facebook: Invincible

Oh yes. Dr. Slaughter is back. And this time her environment is much worse than before. For a few weeks I have been testing her will to survive, much like in a Saw movie. Her test: Break out of the bathroom before she dies. After discovering that she somehow flew out of door less rooms, this was my solution:

If only I would have had the funds for a thousand mirrors so she could look at  her pathetic scarred face.

At first, Miss Slaughter just stood there and itched herself like a flea-bitten baboon in a cage. After a few minutes she began to have problems. First to go was her hygiene.

The little monkey trying to wash her cloud away in a puddle in the corner.

 Next to go; her energy:

"If only I had the brain power to climb onto the bed blocking the door..."

Next to go; her ticking time bomb (a.k.a. her bladder):

"Squee!"

After becoming bored of watching her pointless little life slipping away, I went to play Xbox. About 20 minutes of my torturing of the little roach a very calm lifeguard Sim came along to tell me what I really didn't care about.

"You're Sim is in pain. Like, you should totally help her."

After several days of this I discovered one of the most disappointing things since the rise of Justin Bieber: Slaughter cannot be killed. After days of accidents on the floor and stink clouds, Slaughter has survived this trial of the experiments.

The Sims on Facebook: Introduction to Dr. Slaughter

So there is a game on Facebook called the Sims Social. I am using this game as a way to conduct my scientific experiments. Here is the test subject:

Say hello to Dr. Slaughter

Yes that's right. The test subjects name is Dr. Slaughter. My first experiment was to place her in an environment similar to a jungle full of garbage, thorn bushes, and mushrooms. Here it is after a few days:

The shack in the middle is the living quarters for Miss Slaughter. 

The next experiment was to sell Dr. Slaughter's shower to see how she copes. She started to wash her hands in the sink until she was clean. Of course this was unacceptable. So, the sink is gone too. Here she is after a few minutes:

It must be sweltering  hot in that mushroom filled forest.

Next I moved the toilet outside. The little stink bag broke it almost immediately.

After given these poor excuses for blessings this was Dr. Slaughter's face:

More experiments will come soon!

Kristen vs. Lindsay: Barfday

Kristen: Happy barfday! 
Lindsay: Barfday was two weeks ago. Nice try snarky.
Kristen: It's barfday everyday!

Lindsay: Especially for you upchuck.

Kristen: Especially for you, ugly.

Lindsay: You're right, seeing you spew is pretty ugly.

Kristen vs. Lindsay: Foot Fattening and Elbow Stink

Kristen: Do you have foot fattening or elbow stink?

Lindsay: No. Quit comparing your oddities to me. Have fun with your foot fattening and elbow stink.

Kristen: Rude!

Kristen vs. Lindsay

Lindsay Rose: Hooray!

Profile Picture Analyzer!

I analyzed my picture and got this result!

Sexy: 135%

Beauty: 98%

Cool: 19%

Smarts: 56%

Kristen: These numbers are horribly incorrect. According to math and science, you cannot be above 100% sexy. You can be 100% or lower in sexiness, or any other category. Now, we all know you can't be 135% sexy, 98% beauty, 79% cool and 56% smarts all at the same time for the total obviously exceeds 100%. I have, however, come up with a solution for you. I added all these numbers together which totaled 368. I took that number and divided it by four, to get the average percentage which was 92. So, what I am saying is that 92% of you is sexy, beauty, cool AND smarts. The other 8% is air. I hope that my calculations can satisfy both you and mathematics and the same time. Good day.

Lindsay: I'm afraid that I analyzed your photo and everything came back as 0%. I added up all of your numbers and your average was 0%. I have never seen scores this low. The old lady from Titanic got a higher score than you. Sorry for your sadly depressing low score.

Sincerely,

Lindsay

Kristen: With which system did you use to tally this score? I'm afraid that your machine and/or system is faulty. I know that because I sent an infrared scan into your computer, which shot out the USB port. It scanned the contents of your mind and surrounding area, and determined that you are not accurate in your analysis. I'm sorry that you are not as scientific or mathematic as the average genius. I'm afraid I will have to report this to the Scientific Mathematic, Art Resolution Team (SMART). In the best of circumstances, your genius ID card will be revoked. At worst, you face a minimum of 5 years in a corrections facility. Perhaps you can get out early for good behavior.

Good luck,

Dr. K-Town Goodyface.

Lindsay: I'm afraid that there has been a technical issue with your scanning device as when it was analyzed the only thing in the room was a teddy bear and some Tic Tacs. My computer is now immune to any scanning devices, throw up, and it us water proof. I also attatched fins on my computer so I can look up structures of the ear and hunting licenses while I am under water, training mermaids the proper method to tail swimming.

Sincerely,

Lindsay

Kristen: Thank you for proving in your post that you are not genius material. Your grammar is atrocious. This will also be reported to SMART. They do not look kindly upon those that imitate geniuses. It is a capital offense. I'm afraid the corrections time will be upped. I'm truly sorry for you and your terrible misuse of this wonderful language.

Your pal,

Prof. Smarty SmartSmart 

Lindsay: I used my iPod to post that comment and as I have horrendously huge fingers it is very hard to work with such small buttons.

Sincerely,

Lindsay

Kristen: Well, every genius knows to check their work.

Lindsay: I apologize as I expect technoloy to obey my thouhts as I have programmed my computer, Wii, and tv to do so. I have not yet programmed my iPod to read my thoughts as it takes 6 weeks of training the device to do so.

Sincerely,

Lindsay

Kristen: I am unsure if this was on purpose, but you misspelled 'technology' and 'thoughts'. Any genius knows how to train their products in under one hour. Your genius status was obviously a fake. Please deny the statement that you are a genius, and I am sure your prison time will be reduced ever so slightly.

Yours,

Justice of the United States Supreme Court Krunketykrunk 

Lindsay: I'm afraid that every genius society has revoked you as a member as you must know that all touch technology takes six weeks to bend touch technology to your will. Without this knowledge you cannot pass the genius status standardized test as this knowledge was given to you so you are no longer eligible to even take the standardized test. If you have taken a test without this question, then it is a fake standardized test, and therefore does not have the official genius standardized test watermark.

Sincerely,

Lindsay

Kristen: Nice try, Ms. Run on sentences.

Love,

Scientist Rodeo Woman K-face.

Lindsay: Run on sentences are an example of moving forward without stopping. Every genius knows that, but as you do not fall into that category you wouldn't know.

Sincerely,

Lindsay

P.S. They are not called run on sentences by the way. They are called future lines.

Kristen: I am sorry to inform you that, indeed, there are run on sentences. Even sub-par geniuses are aware of this fact. For your information, I am now president in full of SMART. I would appreciate you turning in your genius ID card peacefully. I would hate to resort to violence.

Go In peace,

SMART president kiss face Kristen.

Kristen: Speechless, eh? Just as I thought.

Lindsay: I'm afraid that the so called 'SMART' organization that you speak of does not exist. You are now a criminal due to the fact that you have created a secretive violent organization. Also as you have confessed to being the leader of the highly illegal group, you will be shot first.

Sincerely,

Lindsay

Peter: Wow, I'm getting a headache trying to follow this. Good thing I was never a genius. :)

Kristen: Well, I've never accused you of being a genius. Hahahahaha.

Lane vs. Lindsay

An email chat between my friend, Lane and I with images of what we are insulting each other with.

Lane: You slimy, snotty, poopy, stinky, chunky, sassy, ugly, incredibly bulky sea cow!

Lindsay: You lice covered garbage bag full of filth!

Lane: you wrinkly aardvark!!!!!

Lindsay: You cookie cutter shark!

Lane: You cow fish!

Lindsay: This is you:

Lane: You are a blobfish!

Lindsay: You naked mole rat!

Lane: You Philippine Tarsier!! 

Lindsay: You hideous monkey!

Lane: You star nosed mole!

Lindsay: You little Lorikeet!

Lane: You little Vundu Catfish!

Lindsay: You Sumatran Rat Monkey!!!

Lane: You Red Irish Lord Fish!!!!!

Lindsay: You Almiqui!

Lane: You AYE-AYE!!!

Lindsay: You death dog!

Lane: You Komondor!

Lindsay: Marilyn Manson!

Lane: You Chimaera Fish!

Lindsay: You hairy frog fish!

Lane: You Sphynx Cat!

Lindsay: You Seawolf fish!

Lane: You Lumpsucker fish!

Lindsay: You Viper Moray!

Needless to say, I won.