Honey Boo Boo Horrors

As far as art goes, I don't think there is anything more amazing and incredibly horrifying as Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. Why do I love this show? I don't know. Maybe because it makes me feel better about my consumption of Swiss Cake Rolls and cheese. Or maybe it's because it's so incredibly vile that I can't look away and constantly crave more. Either way, this show is beautiful in a deep fried, high fat kind of way (just like Mama June). I think one of the most beautiful aspects of this show is the nicknames all the fat little Hostess mascots have. I mean Mama June? Sugar Bear? CHUBBS?!? Art. Pure art. Not to mention the horror of Mama June's fork lift foot and stress poops. Apparently, when Mama J gets stressed (for example, preparing a "Committin' Ceremony' or being confronted with a jar of "marannaise") her number of poos per day dramatically increases. 

Her buckets of lard on legs for children cleverly named these her 'stress poops'. They also very kindly scheduled Mama a day at the spa to, "clean off her neck crust and get her neck hair plucked". Of course, Mama quickly says no as she does not approve.

Eventually her flabby offspring convince her to go, and what comes next had me on the verge of gouging my eyes out with a spoon, but couldn't because I had to see what would happen. The moment she waddles into the spa with her land whale children you can almost hear the employee's thinking of ways to commit suicide. With tear drop eyes (and presumably a lost bet) one employee took June to give her neck a pluckin' and a scrubbin'. Once the massive layers of June's neck are lifted (most likely by a crane) my nightmares had new material to become much more horrifying. Not only was there a thick layer of neck crust and food particles, but there was a very thick curly hair. This was the point of the episode that I actually screamed aloud, which harmonized nicely with the screams of my family members watching with me. I tried to Google an image of this atrocity, but apparently even the internet has standards. This was all topped off with a trip to get June a new bra, as she has apparently been wearing the same one for decades. Of course, her belching gorilla children tag along for support (see what I did there?). The kind bra lady that was working almost completely hid her horror when she was told that Mama J needed a new bra, as her boobs were sagging to the floor. After what seemed like an agonizing eternity in hell for the bra lady, Mama J finally finds a bra that her children (who were wearing bras on their heads while crushing the sad little couch) approve of. She seemed quite pleased as her boobs no longer dragged across the floor when she waddled around.