During the day I watch my niece while her parents work or deal drugs or whatever it is that they do. I've learned a lot about taking care of kids from my experiences with my niece. She's a sweetheart most of the time, but there are times I want to rip out my hair and eat twice my weight in cheese. And don't even get me started about how much I hate Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. I. HATE. IT. Anyways, here are some things that I have learned:
How to Change a Rotten Demonic Diaper
This is something that I have dreaded learning to do since childhood, but ever since hearing about mammograms, changing diapers seemed much more tolerable. Every once in a while my niece, Acacia, seems to want to test how tolerant I am of her over productive poop hole. It's even better when she decides to have windmill legs and yank my hair, which pulls my head closer to the horror she left in her pants. Other times (thankfully rarely) she slaps her dirty diaper and creates a poop firework, causing me to scream as if on fire. This brings her nothing but extreme joy, as her favorite hobby is to do things to get me to screech.
Children Refuse to Eat Things That They Should
What is it about kids and picking up on only your bad eating habits? I mean when I eat something healthy, does Acacia notice or care? No. When I eat two pounds of Swedish fish does she notice? Of course. Most of the time I get to the point where I'm glad if she'll eat anything. Sometimes she seems to go on a hunger strike, to prove some unknown point. Basically you have to wait until she yawns or something, and throw food into her mouth. That usually goes over really well. Besides that, how can I resist Acacia's cute little face when she brings me a Pepsi for us to share? I suppose as long as she acts cute, she can do what she wants.
Sleep is Never Fun
Kids never want to sleep, especially when they are tired. It makes things really pleasant when a kid is really tired, and when they look like they are about to droop off they sit up really straight and whine. And I mean it is a whine. Just, "Hyuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" until you figure out what they want. Acacia isn't too bad for this, but when I share a bed with her, it becomes her personal objective to take up as much room as possible while wedging her feet into my ribs. How her parents do it, I'll never know. The second another human is detected to be sharing a bed with Acacia, she starts slapping and kicking wildly, until she is comfortably laying on your head while crushing your lungs. I just let her do this, since she seems comfortable on top of my wheezy carcass.
Toys Belong In Your Face
Whenever Acacia has some big clunky toy (I'm looking at you Fur Real pets), she likes to wave them violently in your face until you acknowledge it's unfortunate presence. The best days are when Acacia wakes me up by slamming my head with her most solid toys. Not to mention the time she bashed my head in with her Buzz Lightyear so hard I had visions of a unicorn apocalypse and could see sound waves. I still have a dent in my skull from my clubbing. My handwriting has been extra illegible ever since.
You Don't Need Your Neck To Breathe
There are some days when Acacia acts like a little monkey by swinging from my neck flesh, while I gasp wildly with panic eyes. I find that if I play dead she gets bored with my neck skin swing and moves on to other things. Then there are the times she want to ride on my back, and uses my neck glands as her handles. I have to turn into a hunch back to get her to loosen her death claw grip, and silently try to blink my eyeballs back into their sockets. Acacia is unaware that she is doing anything to cause my blood pressure to rise, so I leave her unpunished. For now.
Overall, my experiences with Acacia have been...interesting. But don't get me wrong, I love that kid and I always will.
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