Video Games with Lindsay: Resident Evil 4 (Wii)

Ah Resident Evil 4. Overall one of the greatest games for the Wii. However there are some things that I have comments on. First up, the chainsaw maniacs:

"Let's cuddle."

The chainsaw maniacs are one of the most terrifying characters in this game. While playing I came across some chainsaw maniacs. So naturally I shot it in the face with the Mine Gun (The gun that shoots mine darts that have delayed explosions). They're knocked down, but evidently they have a face of steel, because they fall down and get back up. With their chainsaw still running. Next weapon to try is the missile launcher. Still takes an enormous amount of ammo. The creators of this game obviously want to display their ultimate power over the gamers life by throwing in chainsaw wielding cockroaches that take 3 nuclear explosions to kill.

Next up: The Iron Maidens

Hugs anyone?

The Iron Maiden is by far the most terrifying creature in the game. When I first came across this creature I didn't see it. I heard it. The sound of the Iron Maiden breathing is the most terrifying noise in video game history. Then when it finally makes it's way around the corner, looking like it's walking on a rolling pin, it is difficult to kill it. Though, the infinite missile launcher makes short work of them. Even with an infinite missile launcher, the Iron Maiden is the most terrifying and monstrously ugly creature in history.

Next: Ashley Graham

"I'm terrible!"

Ashley has to be the worst character ever. She is completely useless. Besides being useless she is ALWAYS in the way. You want to break a barrel with your knife? Guess who jumps in front of the knife? Yep that's right. Ashley Graham. Shooting something? This hideous little chipmunk will stick her nose in your gun barrel at the last second. BAM! You failed your mission. Game over.

Next: Ramon Salazar

Ramon Salazar has to be the most annoying villain of all times. He has a shrill voice, which is similar to a banshee on fire. He may look pretty wimpy, but he's quite the opposite as he transforms into a man eating plant of some sort and can kill you with one hit, as he rips your head clean off. His bodyguards are just as bad, as they also like to slice your head off.  He truly gives midgets a bad name.

Next: Ada Wong

"No one will ever understand my purpose in this game."

Ada Wong has some serious issues. First she is on a island full of parasitic zombies IN A DRESS. What possibly went through her head when she decided to wear a dress to the zombie parade will forever be a mystery to me. Perhaps she has a thing for young male zombies that have absolutely no control over their strong desire to kill everything possible. Ada really had no purpose in this game. It could have done just fine without her in it, as she has absolutely no value to this game. My guess is that she is a mentally challenged wannabe zombie queen that is starving for attention. Makes sense to me.

Movies with Lindsay: The Muppets

I saw this movie a few weeks ago with my ever faithful companion Kristen in theaters. The movie itself was great, but some fellow movie watchers were as enjoyable as a needle in the pants. Mainly the children. Kids in a movie theater don't always go over so well. Before the movie started, one particularly hungry (and presumably homeless) child was shoveling popcorn like a diabetic maniac with insulin. This was a terrible struggle for me, as my instincts were shouting at me to slap the popcorn out of the kids hands. As I sat there sinking in my seat and trying to refrain from tearing the arm rests out, the movie began and the sticky little muncher shut up.
The next child was far less irritating than the first. About halfway into the movie, a kid screamed, "CAN WE GO HOME?!?" The mom quietly hissed, "Don't you want to finish the movie?" I don't know what the kid said, but all I heard was, "Mushaganashoodoopey" This of course caused me to believe I was thrown into a Sims game, and I had to whip my head around to see the video game character. Unfortunately, it was too dark for me to see the Sims character which means I missed out on a UFO finding event, as it's not everyday you hear a Sims character.
In the row behind us were the two most obnoxious gigglers of all time. Someone pulled a slightly odd face in the movie, and the witches cackled historically. This earned the bozos several whip around and glare moments from me, of course as I never miss out on an opportunity to be polite.
The actual movie was really good, especially because of my favorite characters, the Moopets who are hideous rip off characters of the Muppets.

I think it's obvious to see why they're my favorite. 

Overall, I recommend this movie. It was good for some laughs, and surprisingly did not have an entirely predictable story line.

A Night on the Town with Kristen and Lindsay

A few weeks ago my sister, Kristen and I went out for a little break from our terrible monstrously awful lives. We went to the movie Immortals (movie review: http://nerdyshirt.blogspot.com/2011/11/movies-with-lindsay-immortals.html) and grabbed a bite at Subway. First our experience with Immortals. We saw this movie in 3D so we were given those classy stylish nerdy sunglasses.

The attractive hot date snatchers.

The second that we walked into the theater Kristen and I both noticed something. There were three other people besides us to see the movie. Three ancient other people. Honestly, all three were horribly old people. What were they doing at a movie like this? Who knows? Perhaps they thought that the shirtless Henry Cavill on the promotional poster indicated a good rebellious movie to go to on their escape from the old folks home.

The grandpas and grandmas from Hell.

After the initial shock of the Jurassic people we were going to see the movie with, we headed up the stairs. Kristen pounded her way to the top, shocking the fossils in their seats as they turned down their hearing aids. We found our seats on the back row, where we wouldn't have to crane our necks at a one hundred eighty degree angle to see the movie. The advertisements before the movie started, which was our cue to put on our attractive glasses. Kristen said to me, "The screen looks funny without the glasses." What I heard, "You look funny with those glasses." I replied with, "YOU LOOK FUN---Oh. Yeah it does." It's moments like this that make me feel like all the other dinosaurs in the theater. An advertisement for the latest Underworld movie appeared to which Kristen said, "Kate Beckinsale is ugly and a bad actress. She always wears that stupid leather suit." So true. During the movie we kept looking sideways at each other when something stupid or questionable happened as all super cool people do. After the movie we headed to Walmart to get groceries and we stopped at the Subway in the Walmart. After deciding what we wanted, we went to get our food. For a while nobody was behind the counter so several loud noises later, a guy that looked like an escaped convict disguised as a Subway employee came out. He said to me, "Eh wat gechuy?" Standing there with big vacant eyes I was furiously trying to figure out what he said. I could hear Kristen's brain whirring to figure out his puzzle language as well. Finally he said louder, "What can I get you?" Feeling like a complete idiot, I sheepishly told him what I wanted. After I told him  he screamed "what?!" I repeated myself. "What?!" One more time. Finally got it. The next painful question came. "Ew wamba to sed?" Not again. What did the tattooed little monkey want this time? "What?", I asked. "DO. YOU. WANT. IT. TOASTED?" "Oh, yes.""What?!" "YES!!!" After Kristen went through the same painful process of shouting at Charles Manson what she wanted we finally were able to eat. We got the groceries and went home afterward, and slept of our misery like slugs covered in salt.

Movies with Lindsay: Immortals

Not too long ago my sister Kristen and I decided to see the movie Immortals in the theater just for kicks and giggles.

 Turns out this movie wasn't all that giggle inducing. Don't get me wrong, it was a great movie but some things threw me for a loop. First off was the villain of the movie. What is up with his helmet? I mean seriously. Of all of the intimidating helmets that he could have chosen he decided to pick this:

"Red Lobster gift cards for everybody! But first you must die."

If I were a villain I would not go with the lobster hat. Personally, from a distance I would think that he was a really pointy rabbit with some serious issues. I think that this helmet also makes it very tempting to just stab his face rather than be afraid of him. However, his sissy sense of fashion does not make him any nicer, as he pokes peoples eyeballs until they bleed and the person keels over and dies and has his goons smash people's crotches with a hammer. Speaking of goons, check this guy out:

"You having fun yet you little biotch!?!?"

This guy is a pure pile of psycho mixed with heavy breathing. Even after having his chest repeatedly smashed with his own club, he just laid there breathing heavily like an over excersized beached whale. Eventually the hero of the story (Theseus) sliced his abnormally large head off. That takes care of his lungs being in hyper-drive. Next up on the butcher block; this lady:

"I'm weird!"

My problem with her is how quickly she was willing to show her bottom to the camera. And what a majestically big bottom it was. Here it is:

Huge, isn't it?

My theory is that butt lady was preparing to rip off her dress, so she had some velcro to hold it on until she thought it was a good time to sit on the camera with her bare bum. Desperate much? I'd say yes. My other theory about this scene is that they hired some homeless pervert to film her Texas sized butt while slobbering like a rabid pig while snorting happily. Seems logical right?

Overall, I really like this movie. I do not recommend that the squeamish or big bum haters go to this movie though. Pervs and/or steel stomachs will really enjoy this movie though. If you have a steel stomach, but you are not a perv (like me) just cover your eyes and scream loudly during the bottom scene, so not only do you not see or hear it, but you bother everyone else in the theater or room.

Movies with Lindsay: The Beaver

Let me start off by saying that this is the stupidest movie that I have ever seen. Basically a super drunk depressed Mel Gibson finds a beaver puppet in the trash, and he uses the beaver to talk for him. With an Australian accent. (Eye roll) This movie was supposed to be a comedy, but it was more of a horror movie if you ask me. See what I mean:

"I eat the souls of children mate."

Now if you combine this murderous Australian garbage beaver with Mel Gibson, you get this:

Attractive, no?

 Eventually the angry Beaver puppet drives Mel Gibson's family apart, and beats Gibson nearly to death (which was the funniest part of the movie) so he resorts to cutting his arm off with a table saw. This makes complete sense, since it is impossible to take off a puppet. Overall this movie sucked and I hate its guts.

Photoshop Mischief

I got an email from a friend, asking me to edit a photo for her. Here is the original email with the original picture:

I don't like the background. Make it cute! :)

Here is my response: 

Here you go.

Her response:
Okay that's not what a meant!!!! Hahahahah


Me:
Oh sorry. How about this?

Her response:
Hahaha that's funny.


Me: 
Or maybe you prefer this one?

Her response:
I like how its a close up like that!! :) just take away the funny looking pink thing and put a soft color background, like a vintage color. Make it look like something I would want to put as my profile.


Me:
The pink thing has a name and feelings you know.


Her:
Hahahah which is?


Me: 
A very ugly hat.


Her:
True that!!!!


Me:
I kinda want one.

Movies with Lindsay: Dylan Dog Dead of Night

Dylan Dog. Overall the movie was alright but I have some itchy issues with this movie. First is the love interest for Dylan. She had a funny face and was obviously disgustingly weird. Later my suspicions based on her face and weirdness were right, as she betrayed Dylan as everyone with half a brain would have seen coming. The fact that her head looks like it was rammed onto her neck, like a poor attempt to salvage a headless Barbie didn't help.

"Oh you're making such a fuss over me, really."

My next issue was the werewolves. You can tell that this movie had a low budget based on the fact that the effects for the werewolves appeared to have taken as much effort as gluing noodles to paper. The werewolves were more of sloppy hair placement and horribly obvious plastic faces. There's nothing worse that to have a plastic patchy haired plastic puppet coming at you with sharpened Chiclet teeth. 

"Hey girl hey. Where do you like get your fur done?"

My final complaint is the demon thing at the end. It seemed to be made from tire rubber scraps and threadbare curtains with a ram head. He also kept laughing hysterically, which led me to believe that this was some sort of acid trip off the wazoo. 

"Stop laughing!"

BONUS COMPLAINT:

The most irritating part of this movie was the final scene where the camera pans out. On a ledge there is this monstrously ugly gremlin muppet atrocity that turns and smiles at the camera. If I could find a picture of the ugly little monster you could see for yourself, but I guess that even the internet has standards.

Willy's first Farkle Trolling

Willy is now playing Farkle where he is able to socialize with others. Here is what happened: (The chat is on the right side.)

Shawna couldn't even stand to look at Willy apparently. 

To Willy's delight, he found a fellow pig owner.

The full conversation got cut off so here it is:

Willy: how is you?
Mary: Im really sucking at this game
Mary: Ive lost 3 in a row
Willy: it could be worser
Mary: ya it could but that was pretty bad
Mary: nice
Willy: if it make you feel better i ran over my favorite pet. he dead now. i sad
Mary: that is sad
Willy: he be bacon soon. me eat him and cry
Mary: ur funny
Willy: why me funny? you laugh at my face?
Mary: it is quite hilarious
Willy: me got hit by train
Mary: looks good for getting hit by a train
Willy: you nice
Mary: thanks
Mary: u made my day a little happier
Willy: you type in big ugly man in gooble you find my picture
Mary: lol
Willy: it true
Opponent left.

The Adventures of Willy: An Introduction

I have taken my Facebook trolling to a whole new level. You'll soon see why. Meet Willy McSquibbly:

Attractive, no?

Birth date: October 31st, 1910
Marital Status: Widowed
Employer: Da Slaughta House at Da Farm
Languages: Pig Latin and English with a Russian accent
Religious Views: Derp
Political Views: Fire
Favorite Quote: It dead when it die.
People that inspire Willy: Barbwa Walta
Favorite Sports: Witch Burnin (i burns witches)
Favorite books: Me can't read books. Theys bad.
Favorite Television Show: Jeperdy
About Willy: Me have no nose.

Here is Willy's very own Facebook page:

The Sims on Facebook:Time to be a Doctor

I've decided that it's time for Dr. Slaughter to finally fill her true role; an unlicensed doctor from Hell. The first thing I did was sell everything that Slaughter owned. Eventually I became nauseated by the overwhelming complaints from that dope in a hat. I got her the essential living supplies, plus some extra so she'd shut up.

Little moron trying to get past the crystal to get to her marijuana in the fridge.

After my reunion with more complaints about the meteorite crystal that landed in front of the fridge I punished the little weasel with some work that is normally performed by a dwarf of some sort.

Like a dwarf from Snow White but with stars!

After her hard work the hog went and raided the fridge while I made Dr. Slaughter's operating rooms for vic-I mean patients that are low on cash and highly tolerant of pain and unnecessary knee cap removals.

Featuring oven mitts for gloves, a butcher knife, and kitchen (operation) tools.

 So far no one has been desperate enough to get any oozing lumps or disfigured spines fixed.