The Guest Blog Special Featuring Kristen Foote

A couple of months ago, I was informed by my boss that I was being laid off. This came as no surprise to me; I was practically being paid to stare at the wall all day from lack of work.

Once the despair finally worked its way out of my system enough that I could tell what a computer was, I began the frustrating task of applying to jobs. Not to be dramatic or anything, but I applied to probably a hundred million jobs and got maybe a dozen interviews. The first of which was to a call center for the hard of hearing. In essence, I would listen to phone calls and speak it into a headset where it would then type itself up on a fancy computer program. In other words, I had no idea what I was doing and I still don’t.

So they started me off with a typing speed test which I passed easily. Then came the hard part; trying the actual job bit. I put the headset on and prayed to every deity and Superman that I could do the job right. I listened to the recording, trying to repeat it word for word into the mic. I lost track of what was being said fairly quickly and began apologizing profusely. I glanced at the screen that was typing what I was saying to see:

“Hey baby. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I can’t do this I’m sorry!” Seeing as how the recording said “hi grandma” not “hey baby” I was doubly embarrassed. The next four tries didn’t get any better. Needless to say, I did not get the job.

The next interview I went to was at a glasses store. I would be (surprise!) selling eye glasses. The interview went fairly well...at first. Then this happened:

Interviewer: “So tell me your 3 best qualities.”

Me: “I’m dependable. I’m trustworthy. And umm….I’m….*blank stare*....honest! Yes honest. I am. Honest, I mean. Honest. Me. I am honest.”

I got a skeptical look from the interviewer, and she starting taking a suspicious amount of notes for such a short answer.

This was the exact moment that my throat decided to seize up and I felt a cough rising to the surface. I tried holding it in, turning my face the same color as my red hair.

Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore and tried to cough out of the side of my mouth. This turned into a choking/snorting noise that made my eyes water. After one more skeptical look from the interviewer, she asked her next question. “How do you feel about telling white lies?”

I looked at her, with watering eyes and said, “Huh?” very dignified.

She said, “A white lie? Like telling someone they look good even if they don’t? That sort of thing.”

Me: “Oooh a white lie. They’re okay I guess. I mean I wouldn’t tell my sister she looks bad even if she does. Ya know what I mean?” I chuckled. She glared. My nervous laugh immediately died.

Interviewer: “Part of the job is being honest with people.”

Me: “Oh yes, I’m honest with people….except my sister….sometimes….” Crap. I had told her one of my best qualities was honesty. Which I lied about. Which I was caught lying about. In a job interview.  

I decided this would be a good time to leave. I tripped out with my socks jingling (it’s where I hide my car keys, smart I know).  Again, needless to say, I didn’t get the job. Thank heavens I got my old job back not too much later. I don’t think unemployment and I get along well enough to make it a long term thing.

Pictured Above is Kristen Foote
Hobbies include: Peering around corners,
slamming doors, looking at picture books,
and critiquing cartoons.

The Omegle Adventures Part V

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You: Hello

Stranger: hi

Stranger: hello

You: Hi

Stranger: from whr

You: The Death Star. You?

Stranger: Egypt

You: That's swell.

Stranger: m or

You: Last I checked, I am female.

You: You?

Stranger: male

You: That's super. And how old are you?

Stranger: 20 year

Stranger: u

You: 21. So how about those pyramids?

Stranger: Hhhhhhhhhhhhhh

You: Like the letter h huh?

You: I like the letter s because it makes that noise that I make when people stand too close.

Stranger: can I see you

You: Do you have eyes?

Stranger: h huh

Stranger: on Skype

You: Let me think about it.

You: Thought about it

You: No

You: >:( That's what I look like.

Stranger: what is your name

You: My name is Sarah Sly. You?

Stranger: saleh Sedek

Stranger: s.s

You: Uh huh

Stranger: do you have Skype

Stranger: ?

You: Remember when I said I didn't want to Skype? I stand by that remark.

Stranger: srry

You: You should be

Stranger: but I want see you

You: I don't care.

Stranger: where is death star there ?

You: In a land far far away.

You: Why don't you go ahead and Google Death Star.

You: So how long are we going to drag out this conversation?

Stranger: 1 min

You: Ugh.

You: Bored now.

Stranger has disconnected.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You: Hello

Stranger: hi

Stranger: are u female?

You: That's what my driver's license says

Stranger: ?

Stranger: u m/f?

You: Slow huh? I am a female.

Stranger: but i'm submissive

You: That usually indicates a missing spine.

Stranger: okay

Stranger: can u be my strict mistress ?

You: I'm more the lazy anti social type.

You: Also, strict mistress? What is wrong with you?

Stranger: yess i wanna strict mistress ....

Stranger: many people like strict mistress

You: Well isn't that nice. I prefer the company of my TV.

Stranger: can u be my mistress?

You: Wow you really are slow.

Stranger: please please be my mistress ill always obey u

You: This might be interesting. Go tape two turtles together so one has it's legs on the ground and the other one has it's legs in the air. For science, of course.

You: Go on. Scoot.

Stranger: yess mistress

You: Stop that. It's creepy.

Stranger: can i drink your toilet?

You: I don't know how to respond to that.

You: You do realize what happens in toilets right?

You: And what germs are?

Stranger: nope

You: Obviously. How old are you?

Stranger: 20

You: Wow what a sad human being you are. Go look up germs. It will change your life.

Stranger: COZ IN THIS ITS STRICTLY ALLOW

You: Oh that makes sense.

Stranger has disconnected.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You: Hello

Stranger: hi stranger cute.mouth2

You: Are you trying to complement me?

You: I do have a cute little mouth. Always eating stuff. What a rascal.

Stranger has disconnected.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You: Hello

Stranger: Hi

Stranger: Look here                                                     

You: You again?

Stranger: No

You: Yes. This is the third time you have sent that to me.

Stranger: Oh

Stranger: Sorry

You: Meh.

Stranger: The bots annoy me

Stranger: So I try to annoy the bots

You: Those pesky bots.

You: Well good luck with that.

Stranger: Ya..

Stranger: No not really

Stranger has disconnected.

Evaluation of Health Communication

How can this class be improved?
There were massive amounts of reading that we had to do. It was way too much. My eyes became so strained, I actually considered grinding up aspirin and sprinkling it into my eyeballs. We took quizzes that were 15 questions with about 120 pages of reading material. That is insane. Never before have I read so much material. Every time I went to read some more for this class I fell asleep and dreamed about stupid things like a hospital full of Spanish speaking people and only non Spanish speaking me to take care of them all. Thanks for that. Let's never do it again.

What were the greatest strengths of this course?
I dunno. It's arms?

What were the greatest strengths of this instructor?
Probably her last name. I mean McCracken. How freaking cool is that? It sounds like a pirate name. Cheers to you, Cap'n' McCracken.

Evaluation of Communication Ethics

How can this class be improved?
Well for one, the professor wasn't very clear about assignments and such. For a communications professor, this seems pretty stupid. Also, half of the class failed the midterm if that tells you anything. Her tests were approximately ten billion questions long, so that was fun. Also the textbook was very unhelpful. The majority of the reading that we had to do would talk about what it was going to talk about in the next section. Why?! There were also a ton of grammatical errors, which was really distracting. It referenced cell phones as a 'new' technology if that's any indication to how relevant the text was. 

What were the greatest strengths of this course?
The sheer force the confusion created by this class used to punch me in the face. Everything was made more complicated than it needed to be, and we were expected to memorize an insane amount of crap. It made the bags under my eyes get so big, I'm afraid that my head will fall in. Think about that, will you?

What were the greatest strengths of this instructor?
She really lectured the class for not understanding the material, even though that probably wasn't our fault. She was really confusing. This class should have been called Communication Confusion. 

Evaluation of Typography

How can this class be improved?
It would help if the professor wasn't so hyper critical. It was all straighten this, add this, spend 72 more hours making this. It was really irritating. It would also be nice if she would let us get out of class early once in a while. When the entire classes stomachs are growling in unison, it's probably a good idea to let us go before the computer cords are eaten. After a while, they do kind of look like spaghetti noodles without sauce. Eventually that seems pretty appetizing, which is sad since spaghetti without sauce tastes like moist rubber bands.

What were the greatest strengths of this course?
Probably the combined power of all the computers in the room. I'm sure their processing power combined would be quite impressive.

What were the greatest strengths of this instructor?
She had a frown the size of the equator if that counts for anything. The end.

Evaluation of 3D Design

First of all, I'm pretty sure that this class destroyed my brain and my will to live. We had a trillion projects to do, and each one took at least 12 hours to do. It was terrible. With that said, here is my evaluation:

How can this class be improved?
Well sir, I have a couple of suggestions. First of all, cut down the number of projects. I thought I was going to die of exhaustion/glue inhalation due to all the projects I had to do. I have lost countless hours of precious sleep because of this class. Secondly, chill out on studio time. The professor really wanted us to work in the dingy little classroom with very uncomfortable metal stools (aka stalagmites perfect for precision probing) and tiny, tiny desks with wobbly necks. Seriously, the desks had the stability of rolling pins on a slope. I don't know how I was expected to work in such conditions. My bottom got sore, and I couldn't fit all my junk on the desk. Inconvenient to the max. Besides, everyone that is sane would rather work at home without anyone peering over your shoulder at your project. There was also a ton of clay dust on the floor, making everything I set on the floor turn white. This either made me look like a baker of some sort, or a major cocaine addict. 

What were the greatest strengths of this course?
The way that the stress punched me in the stomach and then pointed and laughed at me. I also got some pretty good abs from holding in frustration screams. I'm hoping it improved my abs. It either did that or cracked my ribs. That's strength I suppose. I also think this class gave me a permanent twitch in my eye. Hooray.

What were the greatest strengths of this instructor?
When are you going to stop asking this stupid question? I dunno his strengths. Let me tell you some weaknesses instead, because I'm negative and rude. For each project, he only gave us 10 points, which was pretty discouraging. Let me make something clear. These projects took forever, encouraged strange behavior(such as digging through the trash), and what I imagine you are forced to do for an eternity in Hell. My advice for Mr. Instructor: calm down on the amount of projects. I'm not some mass project production machine. There was way too much to do. During the semester, I actually began to daydream about everything that I would do if I didn't have to finish a project for this class. Usually the activity I daydreamed about was sleeping or eating something that wasn't a Pop Tart. 

The Time I Lit My Head on Fire

A few years ago, my family was having a little barbecue in the backyard (when we were still kinda social). I remember that my parents had just been given a grill by someone my dad did some work for or some such nonsense. Anyways, this was the first time that we had a chance to use it, and being the helpful little shrew I am, I was helping my mom try to figure out the grill. It was one of those propane grills where you had the light the propane to get it going. My mom left to get something out of the house while I was left to play with propane and fire without supervision. I was probably around 14 or 15 at the time, and didn't have a vast knowledge of circumstances that could cause explosions and third degree burns. This, as well as the lack of supervision, was perfect for a terrible situation. I turned the propane up to full blast, because my hormone filled adolescent brain thought that was a good idea. I honestly had no idea what I was doing. I then started lighting matches and sticking them in the small ventilation holes on the side of the grill where you're supposed to light the burners. That was probably the only thing I did right. After approximately 300 matches it still wouldn't light, so I went inside the house and got one of those long lighter thingys. Because that makes sense. I went back to the grill with my new magic fire stick and stuck it in the grill. I lit the lighter. My entire head was suddenly engulfed in flames. I remember being too surprised to feel any distress. Once I realized that my head was on fire, I ran into the house to extinguish my face. 

By the time I got to the bathroom, only my eyebrows were on fire, and my hair had curled and was smoking. I put out my eyebrows, only to see that my eyebrows had also curled from being on fire, making me look like Gandalf or some other crazy eyebrowed character. This was incredibly unfortunate since my family (including me) laughs at other people's pain and unfortunate accidents (such as lighting your face on fire). 

As I walked out of the bathroom with my head hanging in shame, I ran into the last person I wanted to see with my flame face. It was my sister Kristen. I have never seen so much glee in her face than I did at that moment. As I told her what happened, she started laughing so hard that she turned a color that I had never seen before. My mom and dad had seen my head go up in flames, and when I went back outside my mom asked me in a mocking tone if I was okay. I could tell by the tears in the corner of her eyes that she had been laughing at me being blasted in the face with flames. My shameful head hanging became much more severe at this point. It didn't help that every time Kristen looked at me she had a violent giggling fit. 

Over the next few days, I tried to stay in my room where no one could see my Gandalf eyebrows/shame. Luckily they grew back pretty fast, and I was able to escape my flame face induced shame spiral. I learned my lesson. No more grill lighting for me.

How Stress is Ruining My Life

 As some of you may have figured out, when I get stressed I become a pile of anxiety and sorrow. Since midterms are coming up, this is starting to happen. It's very terrible. I get what I like to call my ugly anxiety face (clever, yeah?). It's pretty bad. Like really bad. Here it is:

Don't pretend none of you have had this face.

Everything is taken as an affront to me. Everything is offensive. It's not even good things like people trying to murder me. You know, normal stuff people get offended over. I only assume it's offensive if someone tries to murder you. I mean if someone hates you enough to at least try to kill you, something is clearly wrong. But it's probably not your fault, so don't worry. Anyways, I get offended by weird things. Someone can call me stupid and I don't get offended, but if my phone tells me it needs to be charged, oh man. The ugly anxiety face emerges. Why do I get anxious over something so stupid? I don't know, but I clearly have issues. Especially at midterm/finals/Black Friday times. It kills me from the inside.

Let me talk about midterms for a minute. Hasn't this semester just started? How the banana crackers is it freaking midterms? I suppose all my slaving over homework has made all the days melt together like ice cream left out in the sun. I've been spending like 18 hours on a single project for one class because it has to be perfect or I'll just die. It's killing me, and I need to quit being so OCD about it (this is my cry for help). But back to midterms. I hate studying more than anything ever, which makes me more anxious, and thus more susceptible to my ugly anxiety face. The worst is when you go to take the midterm, and suddenly you forget everything you've ever known. Then you sit there sweating and swearing under your breath (because swears are the only thing you can remember) while trying not to violently sob/vomit. In case you haven't guessed it yet, I do not do well under stress. Specifically test taking type stress. Case in point: 

Movies with Lindsay: Paranormal Activity the Marked Ones

So I went to this movie with my sister, Kristen not too long ago. I have thoughts. They are not good. The best part of this movie was when a girl in the theater sneezed really stupidly ("Peeehhh!!!") and all 5 people at the movie laughed at her. Really, that was the best part. So this movie has been called the Latino Paranormal Activity, which is probably because it is so stuffed with racial stereotypes I could barf. Or something. Here are some of my issues with this movie.

#1. The dumb friend who can't speak Spanish at one point, and is suddenly fluent later on.

"Que?"

This fool is a fool. A fooly foolish fool. The foolyest fool of all the fools. At the beginning of the movie you can estimate his IQ by how he wears his hat and his constant vacant expression (as seen above). As suggested in the giant bold lettering above, he cannot speak Spanish at the start of the movie as he very clearly said to the Spanish only speaking grandma who yammers on about something to him. The main character (whom I call Snout) always has to translate for him. However later on in the movie Grandma Spanish is panicking and speaking in Spanish very fast which he miraculously understands and responds to in fluent Spanish, no problem. I'm guessing the creators of this disastrous movie forgot what they put in their own movie somehow. Or possibly a gang of monkeys made this movie, which is very possible based on the bizarre story line and gaping plot holes.

#2. This scene:

P.S. This is Snout.

I didn't get this scene. Basically, Snout goes into the bathroom and records himself (for some reason) pulling goopy strings out of his eyes. Why is he recording this? I do this every Friday. Totally normal right? Also, what went through his head when he decided to bring the camera into the bathroom with him? Here is my guess:"My eyes hurt, but I also might need to take a GIANT poo and I want to record it and narrate how it made me feel. Also, I bet there's strings in my eyes. I can make a wicked dating video with that." Of course, the strings in the eyes lead to this:

"Selfie!"

#3. The bite.

"Psh. I don't need to see a doctor or anything. That's just stupid."
 

So Snout gets bitten by something, and for some reason didn't feel when he was, you know, freaking bitten. By the looks of it, I'd say Gollum bit him, but that's just my opinion. Also, if you woke up with a disgusting looking freak bite on your arm, wouldn't you go to the doctor or something? Or at least ask Grandma Spanish about it? Maybe it happens a lot. Maybe his retainer that he doesn't own fell out of his mouth during the night and bit him. No one will ever know.

Overall, this movie was really stupid and didn't make much sense. Also, as all the other Paranormal Activity movies have, it left me with one question that is yet to be answered. Why are they recording this crap? Seriously? Who does that? Also I was laughing at Snout throughout the whole movie, so maybe I missed something. Whatever. Just whatever.

My New Fangled Diet

Everyone wants to be healthy in this modern era of ours for some reason, so I thought I would offer my personal dieting and healthiness tips. Keep in mind that if anything happens to you while on this diet, I refuse to be held responsible. I refuse. I used to eat healthy as a child, not because I cared but because as a child I ate like an old person. I would eat thousands of boxes of raisins a day and would always see how many bananas I could stuff into my mouth. Now, I can't stand either one of those things anymore and have become more child like in my eating habits. Sort of like Benjamin Button, but I'm not growing into a baby (or something). I am now old enough to form somewhat intelligent thoughts that allow me to validate my eating habits to myself. For example: instead of eating actual fruit, I consider my shampoo smelling like an apple (or some other healthy hippie fruit) to count as my fruit. 

This is all assuming you allow people to get close enough to smell your hair.

For the record though, I do like some fruit. Peaches, pears, apples, and peanut butter. I'm sure there's others, but seriously, who cares? Anyways that is step one of my diet. (Recap) If your shampoo/conditioner smells like a fruit, it counts. However, if your shampoo/conditioner smells like a vegetable, you may want to consider getting a different brand. Your hair shouldn't smell like carrots or brussel sprouts. 

As for vegetables, if it's on a pizza it's a vegetable. Cheese? Vegetable. Pepperoni? Vegetable. Olives? Vegetable. Hey, wait... Also if something is 'vegetable flavored' such as those Veggie Straws (Or whatever they are called. I usually eat them so fast that I don't even notice the bag.) count. They count. They're kinda shaped liked carrots or possibly some cucumber shavings, so they count. Also if you cut your steak or slab of lard into a carrot shape, it counts. (Legal notice: I am not responsible for your decisions.)

Sugar. I love sugar. Ain't nobody gonna take my sugar from me. If you're going to just eat or snort a pile of sugar, shape it like mashed potatoes and you're good. If you haven't noticed yet, this diet of mine (Notice: Again I am not legally responsible for your decisions.) has a trend. It's all about shapes and scents. Content is inconsequential. That cookie has 30,000 calories and 140 grams of sugar per crumb? Meh. We all have to die someday. Plus we are American. We do what we want. Which is probably why we have no jobs and eat too many calories (I'm looking at you deep fried Twinkies). But overall, here is my philosophy. You can eat healthy or not, but whatever you choose to eat, there is probably a medication for that. You're welcome.