My New Fangled Diet

Everyone wants to be healthy in this modern era of ours for some reason, so I thought I would offer my personal dieting and healthiness tips. Keep in mind that if anything happens to you while on this diet, I refuse to be held responsible. I refuse. I used to eat healthy as a child, not because I cared but because as a child I ate like an old person. I would eat thousands of boxes of raisins a day and would always see how many bananas I could stuff into my mouth. Now, I can't stand either one of those things anymore and have become more child like in my eating habits. Sort of like Benjamin Button, but I'm not growing into a baby (or something). I am now old enough to form somewhat intelligent thoughts that allow me to validate my eating habits to myself. For example: instead of eating actual fruit, I consider my shampoo smelling like an apple (or some other healthy hippie fruit) to count as my fruit. 

This is all assuming you allow people to get close enough to smell your hair.

For the record though, I do like some fruit. Peaches, pears, apples, and peanut butter. I'm sure there's others, but seriously, who cares? Anyways that is step one of my diet. (Recap) If your shampoo/conditioner smells like a fruit, it counts. However, if your shampoo/conditioner smells like a vegetable, you may want to consider getting a different brand. Your hair shouldn't smell like carrots or brussel sprouts. 

As for vegetables, if it's on a pizza it's a vegetable. Cheese? Vegetable. Pepperoni? Vegetable. Olives? Vegetable. Hey, wait... Also if something is 'vegetable flavored' such as those Veggie Straws (Or whatever they are called. I usually eat them so fast that I don't even notice the bag.) count. They count. They're kinda shaped liked carrots or possibly some cucumber shavings, so they count. Also if you cut your steak or slab of lard into a carrot shape, it counts. (Legal notice: I am not responsible for your decisions.)

Sugar. I love sugar. Ain't nobody gonna take my sugar from me. If you're going to just eat or snort a pile of sugar, shape it like mashed potatoes and you're good. If you haven't noticed yet, this diet of mine (Notice: Again I am not legally responsible for your decisions.) has a trend. It's all about shapes and scents. Content is inconsequential. That cookie has 30,000 calories and 140 grams of sugar per crumb? Meh. We all have to die someday. Plus we are American. We do what we want. Which is probably why we have no jobs and eat too many calories (I'm looking at you deep fried Twinkies). But overall, here is my philosophy. You can eat healthy or not, but whatever you choose to eat, there is probably a medication for that. You're welcome.