My 10 New Year's Resolutions

Well it is almost a new year and I feel that it is necessary to say things that probably are not necessary. As per usual. Anyways, I have never been much for celebrating like some sort of social freak (ew), and the most I ever do to celebrate is have a Pepsi and burp myself to sleep. I tolerate the shenanigans of others, mainly because I don't care to fester the energy to be angry about it, as seen here:

Anyways, some people make resolutions or set some sort of goals to make themselves better. I have some of my own, which I am sure will be nothing short of inspiring and epic. Here they are.
1. Eat more candy.
2. Insult someone on Facebook. 
3. Don't kill anyone this semester.
4. Bug my angriest cat more with sticks and possibly shove her into a doll dress (fingers crossed). 
5. If the angry cat tries to kill me when attempting to shove her into said doll dress, give up and make the fat cat wear it instead.
6. Watch more infomercials. 
7. Avoid being slammed in the dishwasher (again) by a certain 3 year old. 
8. Stop trying to scare the fish so he will flare his gills at me. It makes him poop.
9. Call people a slut more often.
10. Learn how to use a straw. I'm getting tired of stabbing myself in the eyeballs with them.