Frequently Asked Questions About Me

So I get asked certain questions repeatedly (thus the title 'Frequently Asked Questions About Me'), and I'm going to answer them. Hopefully this will shut some of you up and answer your super important questions. 

How do you come up with the things you say/do?

First off, I don't come up with anything. It just kinda happens like spontaneous combustion or radiation poisoning. I'm guessing I "come up" with stuff while I spend countless hours staring at the wall with a quizzical expression. Because boredom produces things that can't be explained. It also may be caused by some sort of mental condition, but I'll let you decide.

Why don't you ever smile?

Don't ask me this. I HATE this question, but I'll answer it anyways. The natural resting state of my face makes me look like I am completely full of hatred (which is partially correct), and I can't help it. I was born with a scowl, much like Grumpy Cat. The genes in my face are not made of happies. And just for the record I do smile. Especially when people who ask me this question fall down a flight of stairs.

Are you still going to school?

Yes. Just like the last time you asked me. And the time before that. You don't get a degree over night you silly slut. 

Do you want to...?

You don't even need to finish this question. Do I want to come to your party? Do I want to hear your story about how great your boyfriend/girlfriend is? Do I want to show you how to do things on your computer even though you believe you already know how to do everything yourself and won't listen to anything I say? There is a very simple answer to all of these questions and is probably the same answer to most of the questions you can come up with: 

Do you hate everyone?

No. I am quite introverted so it may seem that way. I tend to stick with people that I know and I only pursue talking to someone I don't know if I get the sense that they would be someone with a good sense of humor. However, if you get in my space and are super annoyingly hyper, I do hate you. Also, don't touch me if you don't know me. I can tolerate hugs or whatever from friends and family, but I really don't like people I don't know in my space. Especially if you stink. 

Furby Horrors

So I have recently noticed that those Furby things have made a comeback. Why? I don't know. Back in the day these things were basically the equivalent of what Fur Real pets are to kids now. One year for Christmas my parents got my sister, Kristen, and I a Furby. I remember that I tried to feed it things like french fries and cheese slices. It didn't react, and I eventually got bored. Apparently, Kristen got bored with hers as well, because she began to mercilessly torture her Furby. It started off with small things, such as leaving it under a pile of clothes or in a dark closet until she got tired of it telling her that it was scared. Eventually things began to escalate. I remember being in my mom's bedroom watching TV (or possibly staring at the wall) and Kristen very suddenly threw her Furby against the wall as hard as she possibly could. I assume this was part of her Furby brain damage studies.

After she repeatedly bounced her Furby off the wall, all while laughing hysterically, I swear I could see true terror in that Furby's eyes. It was like it knew that it wasn't a good enough toy for Kristen, and it was going to pay for it. At this point the Furby said something along the lines of, "I love you". It sounded like a desperate plea instead of the usual monotone robot voice. Of course, this made Kristen enjoy torturing it even more and if I recall correctly she moved on from banging the Furby against the wall to trying to force its mouth all the way open. She then got bored with this once the unfortunate Furby's mouth had mysteriously "fallen" off. This is where things got disturbing. I mean, more than it already was. I remember hearing her maniacally giggling behind her closed bedroom door.This happened on a regular basis so I decided to ignore her. I later found out that she had skinned her Furby, as I found it without any fur and looking like it went through literal Hell. I imagine that this is what it looked like behind the door of her torture chamber:

I'm not sure what happened to that Furby, but I would imagine it spend it's last days sobbing violently in a landfill until it turned into fertilizer. A short while after the death of Kristen's Furby, mine began to be extremely annoying. Every time it would say anything, it would be very early in the morning while I was sleeping. Needless to say, Kristen's Furby had a friend to hang out with in the landfill shortly thereafter. 

The Omegle Adventures Part IV

You: Hello

Stranger: Hey

You: What are you?

Stranger: F

You: Human or other?

You: If I were to hand you something would you grab it with hands or with tentacles of some sort?

Stranger has disconnected.

Stranger: hi

You: Hello

Stranger: male here

You: Ma'am how did you get this number?

Stranger has disconnected.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: hi

You: Hello

Stranger: how r u?

You: Fabulous.

Stranger: fabulous like ur homosexual

Stranger: or ur really doing great?

You: Wouldn't you like to know?

Stranger: well i mean i like questions to have answers

Stranger: but

Stranger: i'm not too worried about it

Stranger: as long as u know the truth

Stranger: i can sleep easy

You: Uh huh. I find it interesting that you assume I am gay when I say that I am fabulous. What childhood trauma did you suffer?

Stranger has disconnected.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: Hey

You: Is that a threat?

Stranger has disconnected.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You: Hello and welcome to Omegle Adventures! Please select a category!

Stranger: heyyyyyyyyy whats your asl??????

Stranger: girl \\ 18 \\ M0ntana

You: You have selected Violence! Please prepare for your violence question!

Stranger: d0 u wantt 2 c mee On webcam ???????

You: In what 1991 film did actor Anthony Hopkins star as a manipulative serial killer and cannibal? 

Stranger: ok ,, I am switchin the cam On

You: That is incorrect! Please try again!

Stranger: it`z 0nn ,, meessagee meeeeee theeree :Þ

You: No. Now try again.

Stranger: c u theeree

You: Incorrect!

Stranger has disconnected.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You: Hello

Stranger: Hey

Stranger: Join Silvie and Ariel as they teach us how to use the magic wand on their [blank] and have awesome [blank]! [btw]sign up with random email address & enter 'private show', have fun :)

You: *Awkward silence*

Stranger has disconnected.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You: Hello

Stranger: yo

Stranger: your name is hello that is a nice name.

You: I already hate you.

Stranger: did what?

You: Me. Hate you.

Stranger: why

You: Well it surely has nothing to do with your...joke?

Stranger: nothing you say does too

You: Let me just pull out my nonsense dictionary...

Stranger: Go lookup CΗΑΤΟUS

Stranger: in GooglePlay/App Store

Stranger: free,clean random chat!

You: No

Stranger: ok.

Stranger: yes

You: I refuse.

Stranger: k g2g, bye!

Stranger: checkout CΗΑΤΟUS though

You: No

You: I know you're still there you little slut.

Stranger has disconnected.

Honey Boo Boo Horrors

As far as art goes, I don't think there is anything more amazing and incredibly horrifying as Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. Why do I love this show? I don't know. Maybe because it makes me feel better about my consumption of Swiss Cake Rolls and cheese. Or maybe it's because it's so incredibly vile that I can't look away and constantly crave more. Either way, this show is beautiful in a deep fried, high fat kind of way (just like Mama June). I think one of the most beautiful aspects of this show is the nicknames all the fat little Hostess mascots have. I mean Mama June? Sugar Bear? CHUBBS?!? Art. Pure art. Not to mention the horror of Mama June's fork lift foot and stress poops. Apparently, when Mama J gets stressed (for example, preparing a "Committin' Ceremony' or being confronted with a jar of "marannaise") her number of poos per day dramatically increases. 

Her buckets of lard on legs for children cleverly named these her 'stress poops'. They also very kindly scheduled Mama a day at the spa to, "clean off her neck crust and get her neck hair plucked". Of course, Mama quickly says no as she does not approve.

Eventually her flabby offspring convince her to go, and what comes next had me on the verge of gouging my eyes out with a spoon, but couldn't because I had to see what would happen. The moment she waddles into the spa with her land whale children you can almost hear the employee's thinking of ways to commit suicide. With tear drop eyes (and presumably a lost bet) one employee took June to give her neck a pluckin' and a scrubbin'. Once the massive layers of June's neck are lifted (most likely by a crane) my nightmares had new material to become much more horrifying. Not only was there a thick layer of neck crust and food particles, but there was a very thick curly hair. This was the point of the episode that I actually screamed aloud, which harmonized nicely with the screams of my family members watching with me. I tried to Google an image of this atrocity, but apparently even the internet has standards. This was all topped off with a trip to get June a new bra, as she has apparently been wearing the same one for decades. Of course, her belching gorilla children tag along for support (see what I did there?). The kind bra lady that was working almost completely hid her horror when she was told that Mama J needed a new bra, as her boobs were sagging to the floor. After what seemed like an agonizing eternity in hell for the bra lady, Mama J finally finds a bra that her children (who were wearing bras on their heads while crushing the sad little couch) approve of. She seemed quite pleased as her boobs no longer dragged across the floor when she waddled around. 

Things I've Learned From Watching My Niece About Parenthood

During the day I watch my niece while her parents work or deal drugs or whatever it is that they do. I've learned a lot about taking care of kids from my experiences with my niece. She's a sweetheart most of the time, but there are times I want to rip out my hair and eat twice my weight in cheese. And don't even get me started about how much I hate Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. I. HATE. IT. Anyways, here are some things that I have learned:

How to Change a Rotten Demonic Diaper 
This is something that I have dreaded learning to do since childhood, but ever since hearing about mammograms, changing diapers seemed much more tolerable. Every once in a while my niece, Acacia, seems to want to test how tolerant I am of her over productive poop hole. It's even better when she decides to have windmill legs and yank my hair, which pulls my head closer to the horror she left in her pants. Other times (thankfully rarely) she slaps her dirty diaper and creates a poop firework, causing me to scream as if on fire. This brings her nothing but extreme joy, as her favorite hobby is to do things to get me to screech.  

Children Refuse to Eat Things That They Should
What is it about kids and picking up on only your bad eating habits? I mean when I eat something healthy, does Acacia notice or care? No. When I eat two pounds of Swedish fish does she notice? Of course. Most of the time I get to the point where I'm glad if she'll eat anything. Sometimes she seems to go on a hunger strike, to prove some unknown point. Basically you have to wait until she yawns or something, and throw food into her mouth. That usually goes over really well. Besides that, how can I resist Acacia's cute little face when she brings me a Pepsi for us to share? I suppose as long as she acts cute, she can do what she wants.

Sleep is Never Fun
Kids never want to sleep, especially when they are tired. It makes things really pleasant when a kid is really tired, and when they look like they are about to droop off they sit up really straight and whine. And I mean it is a whine. Just, "Hyuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" until you figure out what they want. Acacia isn't too bad for this, but when I share a bed with her, it becomes her personal objective to take up as much room as possible while wedging her feet into my ribs. How her parents do it, I'll never know. The second another human is detected to be sharing a bed with Acacia, she starts slapping and kicking wildly, until she is comfortably laying on your head while crushing your lungs. I just let her do this, since she seems comfortable on top of my wheezy carcass. 

Toys Belong In Your Face
Whenever Acacia has some big clunky toy (I'm looking at you Fur Real pets), she likes to wave them violently in your face until you acknowledge it's unfortunate presence. The best days are when Acacia wakes me up by slamming my head with her most solid toys. Not to mention the time she bashed my head in with her Buzz Lightyear so hard I had visions of a unicorn apocalypse and could see sound waves. I still have a dent in my skull from my clubbing. My handwriting has been extra illegible ever since. 

You Don't Need Your Neck To Breathe
There are some days when Acacia acts like a little monkey by swinging from my neck flesh, while I gasp wildly with panic eyes. I find that if I play dead she gets bored with my neck skin swing and moves on to other things. Then there are the times she want to ride on my back, and uses my neck glands as her handles. I have to turn into a hunch back to get her to loosen her death claw grip, and silently try to blink my eyeballs back into their sockets. Acacia is unaware that she is doing anything to cause my blood pressure to rise, so I leave her unpunished. For now.

Overall, my experiences with Acacia have been...interesting. But don't get me wrong, I love that kid and I always will. 

The Omegle Adventures: Part III

Stranger: hey sl
Stranger: asl
You: 75,  manbird, Mexico
Stranger has disconnected.

Stranger: m
You: M for moon monkey?
Stranger has disconnected.

Stranger: Heyy
You: Hello
Stranger: Asl?
You: No
Stranger has disconnected.

You: Hello
Stranger: hi
Stranger: asl
You: What for?
Stranger: I'm just curious
You: I see.
Stranger: yeah ill tell u if u tell me
Stranger: I'm a m
You: I never agreed to anything. (Because I'm not curious)
Stranger: okay well ill just talk no need to know then
You: Okay. What do you want to talk about?
Stranger: umm well first what's ur name
You: Turd
Stranger: nice I'm dick
You: I bet you had fun in school with a name like that.
Stranger: ??
You: (I may be mocking you.)
Stranger: well I'm not worrying about that I'm just trying to have a conversation
You: Well then carry on good sir.
Stranger: in fact what do u start
You: I don't know what you are trying to say.
Stranger: what do u want to talk about
You: What is up with this crazy moon of ours?
Stranger: I don't have a moon right now
Stranger: im in California
You: I just meant in general. It's such a weirdo. A bit antisocial if you ask me. I mean it only comes out at night.
Stranger: umm yeah sure ill go with that
You: It's scientific.
Stranger has disconnected.

You: Hello
Stranger: guy or girl
You: Neither. Robot dog.
Stranger has disconnected.

You: Hello
Stranger: hi
You: How are you?
Stranger: m
Stranger: m
You: You have a stutter?
You: Also socially awkward I see.
Stranger has disconnected.

The Omegle Adventures: Part II

Stranger: asl
You: That information is classified.
Stranger has disconnected.

Stranger: hi
You: Greetings
Stranger: m
You: Location?
Stranger: usa
You: I'll be sending help to you right away, madam.
Stranger has disconnected.

Stranger: M
You: Age?
Stranger: 15
You: Your mother is looking for you M aged 15. Best report back soon. She might get worried.
Stranger has disconnected.

Stranger: hi
You: Greetings friend! Do you wish to look as happy as me? Just send one dollar to Happy Dude at 742 Evergreen Terrace. Happiness is only a dollar away!
Stranger has disconnected

Stranger: http://thisisntporn.com
You: Oh, I trust that.
Stranger has disconnected.

You: Hello
You: No way! Shut up!
You: Do you ever stop talking?
You: Goodness me.
You: I don't think that story is true.
You: Stop talking! It's all LIES!
You: LIES I TELL YOU!
You: You don't know me. You have no idea what I've been through!
You: NO IDEA!
You: *sob sob sob*
You: You're just saying that because deep down you know that you love me!
You: LOVE ME!
Stranger has disconnected.

Stranger: ohhh woooow
Stranger: how u gusse
Stranger: babby
You: How dare you.
Stranger: u girl or boy
You: I stare at you, and judge you harshly!
You: Neither. I am a sophisticated woman!
You: Shame!
Stranger: ohh ok
Stranger: u want to me
You: I can't even begin to describe my horror over that excuse of a sentence.
Stranger: i wanna see u
You: I think I just barfed a little over your grammatical atrocities.
Stranger: wht ur name
Stranger: ??
You: Sister Grammar
Stranger: hahahah
Stranger: nice name
Stranger: do u have facebook
You: I indeed have a face and a few books actually.
You: Perhaps you should read a book one of these days.
Stranger: u wanna me
You: You are a grotesque little shrew aren't you?
Stranger: yes or no
You: Is this a trick question?
You: Oh just kidding, the answer is no, and will always be no. I am just far too uncomfortable with your grammar situation.
Stranger: im singal i dont have g
Stranger: gf
You: Well I can't see why not as you are clearly a winner. *cough..lies..cough cough*
Stranger: well u merry me
You: You really don't take blunt messages well do you?
Stranger: ur age ?
You: I am 5!/3!.
Stranger: nice
You: And how old are you little girl?
Stranger: im not girl im boy 27old
You: You have had 27 years to figure out how to write a sentence. Sigh. This is why humanity is dead.
Stranger: i dont knw wht ur think abut me ??
Stranger: do u have other acumt
You: I don't know what you says to me??
You: No I am fresh out of "acumts".
Stranger: no facebook do u have
Stranger: u like me or not
You: I would like you to use your best judgement and tell me if I like you or not.
Stranger: okkkk
Stranger: 9********* tht my phone number
Stranger: call me now
You: That's not going to happen.
Stranger: why
You: Why do you think?
You: (Think really hard)
Stranger: u lice me ?
You: *Facepalm*
Stranger: wht ?
Stranger: give me ur skype id
You: I don't know whether I should be sad for you or if I should be sad for the education system.
Stranger: i dont knw eht u says
You: A dictionary might help.
You: (That's the big book with words in it)
Stranger: where ur from ??
You: Mars
Stranger: bye
Stranger: i dont want u
Stranger has disconnected.

Stranger: m
You: Hello
You: And what is your emergency, m?
Stranger: f?
You: Ma'am this line is for emergencies only.
Stranger: no need to be a smartass.
You: Ma'am do you need me to call an ambulance for you?
Stranger has disconnected

Stranger: hi whatt r u doin ??
You: Oh you know, hunting elephants.
Stranger has disconnected

Embarrassment: Walmart Edition

Before I begin my tale of embarrassment and sorrow, I need to make one thing clear. I hate shopping at Walmart. I prefer stores with less hideous groups of hoodlums and whipersnappers. (I am so last century in my insulting, right?) On the few occasions that I do go to Walmart, I always seem to successfully humiliate myself, which is difficult when you are surrounded by 21st century cave dwellers looking to buy some new sweatpants. My most recent humiliating experience was a few weeks ago when I went to Walmart to get some groceries (Pepsi and cookies) with my sister Andrea (mother, burger lover) and my niece Acacia (Mess maker, face puncher). Of course Acacia refused to walk or sit in the cart, and insisted that I carried her. But I couldn't carry a cooperative child. Unacceptable. Acacia decided to struggle and smack me with every limb she has (which seemed to multiply by the hundreds for extra smackin'). She's also been doing this thing that when I carry her she screams for help and has a distressed look on her face. I feel that nothing would bring her more joy than me getting arrested for kidnapping, or overall suspiciousness. So as we were walking around getting our groceries Acacia was fighting me like she wanted to see my teeth on the ground, and I started to sweat like a big fatso in a swamp. This made me look like more of a creep, and thus more eligible for arrest. We finally finished and went to get our stuff at a self check out. This happened to be the one time I actually had any cash and so I decided to pay with that instead of my card. Bad idea. Very bad idea. My money apparently jammed the machine, causing it to show exclamation points and scream in pain. While the employees, who kept giving me dirty looks, went to go get someone to fix it, I stood there and started sweating even more. I call this the irritated sweat. I walked over to where Andrea was laughing at me and she politely informed me that my pants zipper was down. Great. Just what I needed. Unfortunately, everyone was looking at me as I was the cause of the screaming machine, so I am quite certain that every single one of them saw me zip up my pants. While sweating. In public. They finally fixed the machine, and gave me my change that the machine decided to have for a snack. Despite all of this, I walked out of Walmart with my head held high, sweat pouring, and my zipper down once again.

The Omegle Adventures

I tried the chat on Omegle, and here are my best conversations. Prepare to be offended:

You're chatting with a random stranger. Say hello!
Stranger: hey
You: Hello
Stranger: f or m
You: Well I sit down to pee, so what does that tell you?
Stranger: female
Stranger: sex????
Stranger: do u love it>
You: Do I love to pee? I wouldn't say I love it, but it is quite relieving.
Stranger has disconnected.


You're chatting with a random stranger. Say hello!
Stranger: hey m
Stranger: u?
You: Well I'm guessing by how many blood stained sheets and the amount of hydrogen peroxide I own, I am a female.
Stranger has disconnected.


You're chatting with a random stranger. Say hello!
You: Hello
Stranger: Hello,I am a pornstar actress just starting out!
Stranger: Please support me by downloading and telling me what you think of my picture.
Stranger: http://***********************************
You: Oh I bet your mother is proud of you.
Stranger has disconnected.


You're chatting with a random stranger. Say hello!
Stranger: hey
You: Hello
Stranger: asl?
You: No, I am recovering from my ASL addiction. Thanks for the offer though.
Stranger: oh very nice lol
Stranger: how much were u taking at a time?
You: I would typically just roll around in piles until I could see sound waves.
Stranger: oh now your confusing me, i thought ASL was ingested throught the eyes?
You: Well it does tend to get in your eyes when you roll around in it.
Stranger: oh i understand now. how long have you been clean?
You: Probably about a half an hour.
Stranger: thats is a very short amount of time to be saying you are "recovering"
You: Yes, well I suggest you Google ASL.
Stranger: its american sign language or Age, sex, location
You: Yes that's right. I roll around in piles of American Sign Language.
Stranger has disconnected.


You're chatting with a random stranger. Say hello!
You: Hello
Stranger: hey
Stranger: asl
You: How are you?
Stranger: im good thanks
You: Why thank you. I am a super lady.
Stranger: what?
You: I'm assuming that is what you mean by ASL.
Stranger: hahah
Stranger has disconnected.


You're chatting with a random stranger. Say hello!
Stranger: hey
You: Hello
Stranger: asl?
You: I am a fat lady.
Stranger: age and from?
You: Age: Fat, From: Fat
Stranger has disconnected.


You're chatting with a random stranger. Say hello!
Stranger: m
You: Don't you say hello?
Stranger: hi
You: That's better.
Stranger: i'm austin
You: Texas?
Stranger: thats my name
Stranger: whats yours?
You: Texas is your name?
Stranger: austin is
You: Austin is in Texas.
You: And Texas is your name?
Stranger: no
You: Oh my mistake.
Stranger: what is your nsame?
You: Well before I tell you that, you will have to tell me what a nsame is.
Stranger: you suck
You: Says the one who's name is Texas.
Stranger has disconnected.

Evaluation of Chemistry 1010

Question: How can this class be improved?

My answer: Well first off, the professor could stop talking about rape and kidnapping so often. That was always kinda really uncomfortable. He also told the same stories repeatedly, and people acted like they had never heard that story before. I assume this was in hope that they could improve their grade. But overall, his stories about the death penalty and his fights with moles made me tired and confused. My eyebrows were lowered in angles that I didn't know existed until this class.

Question: What were the greatest strengths of this course?

My answer: I think that it's greatest strength was how deeply it confused me. The amount of it's confusion was so strong, it could be measured on the Richter scale. This class is the definition of question mark eyes and bewildered mouth syndrome.

Question: What were the greatest strengths of this instructor?

My answer: I think that his ability to make everyone extremely uncomfortable was astonishing. He must practice a lot. Oh and he was always sure to let us know about his fights with his wife. If that's not completely sane and functional, then I don't know what is. I think I learned more about his marital problems then I learned about chemistry. Overall, he is socially awkward and should stop telling horror stories.