Movies with Lindsay: Paranormal Activity the Marked Ones

So I went to this movie with my sister, Kristen not too long ago. I have thoughts. They are not good. The best part of this movie was when a girl in the theater sneezed really stupidly ("Peeehhh!!!") and all 5 people at the movie laughed at her. Really, that was the best part. So this movie has been called the Latino Paranormal Activity, which is probably because it is so stuffed with racial stereotypes I could barf. Or something. Here are some of my issues with this movie.

#1. The dumb friend who can't speak Spanish at one point, and is suddenly fluent later on.

"Que?"

This fool is a fool. A fooly foolish fool. The foolyest fool of all the fools. At the beginning of the movie you can estimate his IQ by how he wears his hat and his constant vacant expression (as seen above). As suggested in the giant bold lettering above, he cannot speak Spanish at the start of the movie as he very clearly said to the Spanish only speaking grandma who yammers on about something to him. The main character (whom I call Snout) always has to translate for him. However later on in the movie Grandma Spanish is panicking and speaking in Spanish very fast which he miraculously understands and responds to in fluent Spanish, no problem. I'm guessing the creators of this disastrous movie forgot what they put in their own movie somehow. Or possibly a gang of monkeys made this movie, which is very possible based on the bizarre story line and gaping plot holes.

#2. This scene:

P.S. This is Snout.

I didn't get this scene. Basically, Snout goes into the bathroom and records himself (for some reason) pulling goopy strings out of his eyes. Why is he recording this? I do this every Friday. Totally normal right? Also, what went through his head when he decided to bring the camera into the bathroom with him? Here is my guess:"My eyes hurt, but I also might need to take a GIANT poo and I want to record it and narrate how it made me feel. Also, I bet there's strings in my eyes. I can make a wicked dating video with that." Of course, the strings in the eyes lead to this:

"Selfie!"

#3. The bite.

"Psh. I don't need to see a doctor or anything. That's just stupid."
 

So Snout gets bitten by something, and for some reason didn't feel when he was, you know, freaking bitten. By the looks of it, I'd say Gollum bit him, but that's just my opinion. Also, if you woke up with a disgusting looking freak bite on your arm, wouldn't you go to the doctor or something? Or at least ask Grandma Spanish about it? Maybe it happens a lot. Maybe his retainer that he doesn't own fell out of his mouth during the night and bit him. No one will ever know.

Overall, this movie was really stupid and didn't make much sense. Also, as all the other Paranormal Activity movies have, it left me with one question that is yet to be answered. Why are they recording this crap? Seriously? Who does that? Also I was laughing at Snout throughout the whole movie, so maybe I missed something. Whatever. Just whatever.

My New Fangled Diet

Everyone wants to be healthy in this modern era of ours for some reason, so I thought I would offer my personal dieting and healthiness tips. Keep in mind that if anything happens to you while on this diet, I refuse to be held responsible. I refuse. I used to eat healthy as a child, not because I cared but because as a child I ate like an old person. I would eat thousands of boxes of raisins a day and would always see how many bananas I could stuff into my mouth. Now, I can't stand either one of those things anymore and have become more child like in my eating habits. Sort of like Benjamin Button, but I'm not growing into a baby (or something). I am now old enough to form somewhat intelligent thoughts that allow me to validate my eating habits to myself. For example: instead of eating actual fruit, I consider my shampoo smelling like an apple (or some other healthy hippie fruit) to count as my fruit. 

This is all assuming you allow people to get close enough to smell your hair.

For the record though, I do like some fruit. Peaches, pears, apples, and peanut butter. I'm sure there's others, but seriously, who cares? Anyways that is step one of my diet. (Recap) If your shampoo/conditioner smells like a fruit, it counts. However, if your shampoo/conditioner smells like a vegetable, you may want to consider getting a different brand. Your hair shouldn't smell like carrots or brussel sprouts. 

As for vegetables, if it's on a pizza it's a vegetable. Cheese? Vegetable. Pepperoni? Vegetable. Olives? Vegetable. Hey, wait... Also if something is 'vegetable flavored' such as those Veggie Straws (Or whatever they are called. I usually eat them so fast that I don't even notice the bag.) count. They count. They're kinda shaped liked carrots or possibly some cucumber shavings, so they count. Also if you cut your steak or slab of lard into a carrot shape, it counts. (Legal notice: I am not responsible for your decisions.)

Sugar. I love sugar. Ain't nobody gonna take my sugar from me. If you're going to just eat or snort a pile of sugar, shape it like mashed potatoes and you're good. If you haven't noticed yet, this diet of mine (Notice: Again I am not legally responsible for your decisions.) has a trend. It's all about shapes and scents. Content is inconsequential. That cookie has 30,000 calories and 140 grams of sugar per crumb? Meh. We all have to die someday. Plus we are American. We do what we want. Which is probably why we have no jobs and eat too many calories (I'm looking at you deep fried Twinkies). But overall, here is my philosophy. You can eat healthy or not, but whatever you choose to eat, there is probably a medication for that. You're welcome.