4 Types of People That I Wouldn't Hesitate to Kill

People That Tell Me to Smile

Anyone that tells me to smile is going to get the angriest expression that I can mutate my pasty face into. I will twist my eyebrows until they resemble the weapon I want to murder you with. Whenever someone tells me to smile, I can feel my teeth refining themselves into very fine points with immense puncturing power. I could probably bite a fully inflated basketball in half, not to mention the damage I could do to your burlap sack of a face. 

People Who Think They Have Authority When They Don't

I don't know why people think they can just dictate my life, when I am clearly the type of person who will do the opposite of what you think I should do. "Lindsay, you should buy food that won't give you diabetes by the time you're 30", "Lindsay, you should stop biting your nails like some sort of feral garbage eating animal", "Lindsay, using spray paint is an outdoor activity", "Lindsay, stop leaving a pile of chip crumbs in the bathroom". I'm not going to do any of those things. Don't insert your snout into my business.

People That Think They Are Professionals

Let me tell you something that your mother should have told you a long time ago. Just because you've dabbled in Photoshop, you are not a professional at Photoshop and you never will be. Just because you own one of those fancy cameras with the option to take the lens off, you are not a professional photographer. We've all seen your selfies. We all know you are not good at Photoshop or photography. If an actual professional is demonstrating how to do something, no one wants to see your sweaty ham of an arm shoot into the air to offer your advise on a subject you know next to nothing about. I've had people tell me that they could be Graphic Designers because they were able to throw some digital garbage together that got a handful of likes on Facebook. I'm not a professional at Graphic Design, but I know enough to tell you that you shouldn't use 13 different fonts on a "Fun Run for Toenail Cancer" flyer. I can tell you everything wrong with your "design" and I will make you feel bad, just like you deserve if you claim that you could be a Graphic Designer without any education. You talentless parasite. 

People Who Are Pushy and Aggressive About Everything

I don't state my opinion on certain things for a very good reason. Most people that affiliate with me would not agree with me. These are the types of people that would not let it die either. I'm sorry I don't think that Obama is the reason traffic was bad this morning. I'm sorry I don't think that selfie sticks are a good invention. I'm sorry I don't think that pumpkin spice flavored anything is a reasonable thing to buy. We all know at least one person on Facebook that is constantly posting something that is completely racist, sexist, or whatever and within five minutes write about how they are the most tolerant human being that has ever existed. Listen to me you hypocritical hog faced prune. Your opinion doesn't matter to me, and I will never believe what you do no matter how many articles you post from the Onion under the impression that it is true. Oh no, I didn't buy the milk brand that you have a disturbing obsession with. I bet if you're passive aggressive about it and post links to tell me about my poisonous milk, I'll come around to your side. Wait no, I will counter attack by sharing a picture of me guzzling said milk. Don't play this game with me. I guarantee that I will either be way more aggressive than you or (most likely) I will be far too lazy to pursue an argument with an idiot such as yourself.  

Video Games with Kristen and Lindsay: Dragon Age Inquisition

Recently Kristen and I discussed what we thought of the main characters from Dragon Age Inquisition. Here are our thoughts. 

Leliana

Kristen: Ok so Leliana is totally what I should have aspired to be for prom. The chainmail dress? Why didn't I get that?
Me: I feel like swimming would be a big problem for her, even though her dress looks like fins. "She would sink right to the bottom."
Kristen: Fins are all the craze you know.
Me: I always have enjoyed how sharp her teeth look. If she bit you she probably wouldn't ever let go.
Kristen: Like a shark?
Me: Or a piraña.
Kristen: Woah very fancy there with the Spanish squiggly above your n.
Me: I do things fancy or not at all. Much like Leliana.
Kristen: Also I need to do my hair like hers. Chopped.
Me: Her hair was not what I expected it would look like once she took off her chainmail hood. I think the best part about Leliana is that she had like three different accents.
Kristen: I really like the accent at the war table. The really heavy one.
Me: There's the war table one, the angry one, and the angrier one.
Kristen: I know! I also like her bipolarness. One second she's talking about saving the mages then the next she violently stabs someone in the throat, and says it was because of you.
Me: I appreciated when she stabbed people because of me. It was like early Christmas.
Kristen: And you have the opportunity to encourage her. Like when you say "she knew too much" or whatever.
Me: "She deserved it. Let's go home."

Cassandra

Kristen: Ahh my favorite. Cassandra.
Me: She is seriously the best.
Kristen: I'm pretty sure her jaw line growled when we first met.
Me: Agreed. And I thought her scar was a second mouth of some sort.
Kristen: Also her eyebrows cut me.
Me: "Tell me why we shouldn't kill you now." *frown*
Kristen: *Disgusted grunt*
Me: Cassandra always takes herself so seriously which makes her terrifying and hilarious. I seriously would not enjoy having her angry at me.
Kristen: She frightens me in real life. Like I did everything she asked of me cause I thought she would come through my dreams and kill me.
Me: I feel like she could make normal non lethal items into horrendous tools of murder. Such as dreams.
Kristen: Agreed. I fell in love with her after that first growl.
Me: I didn't. I was frightened, but I immediately knew I wanted to torment her relentlessly. And make her say the word "cleric" as much as possible.
Kristen: And be mean to Varric.
Me: That snake.
Kristen: "We all know what side you're on!"
Me: *Dramatic hand gesture*

Varric

Kristen: Varric...he was useless to me and I feel there is no point in mentioning him.
Me: I feel he needs to be mentioned only because of his very distracting facial scars. I never could hear what he was saying because I couldn't stop staring at his nose scar. Not to mention his silk shirt.
Kristen: Ew that was open to his navel?
Me: That's the one. The navel silk shirt.

Solas

Me: Solas is one of the worst characters in a video game ever.
Kristen: He stinks through the TV screen.
Me: And his sweat makes the TV get covered in condensation. He looks like he wears hemp underwear with those stupid leggings of his.
Kristen: Ugh he makes me physically ill.
Me: Anyone as sweaty as Solas is also probably physically ill.
Kristen: He is so condescending I want to vomit down his back.
Me: Well I'm sure he has already vomited down his front.
Kristen: It'll match!
Me: And match the stains I'm sure he has in his hemp underpants. I'm guessing as a child he had a lot of problems with diaper rash and pin worms.
Kristen: Ugh.

Blackwall

Kristen: I forgot Blackwall existed. His beard is nice. But his voice scares me.
Me: His beard looks like a deformed turkey of some sort. He's one of the most pathetic characters in this game. What with his crippling depression and whatever.
Kristen: Plus his shirt makes him look chubsy.
Me: He looks like a slightly meaner and less emotionally stable Pillsberry doughboy.
Kristen: True. Plus he gets so mad when you don't let him tag along.
Me: His eyebrows go into those sad slopes of misery. And he yells at you when you find anything to do with Grey Wardens even though he ends up [SPOILER] not even being a Grey Warden.
Kristen: That worm.

Cole

Kristen: He's so shiny with sweat.

Me: He looks like he has been deep fried. Or at least had Gatorade poured on him after an important sport thing.

Kristen: Yeah. Plus I never know what he's trying to say.

Me: I know all the words he's using but when he puts them together they don't make any sense.

Kristen: I think he had a stroke then fell down the stairs and then had another stroke.

Me: And hit his head on every stair on the way down.

Dorian

Kristen: My true love. If only he wasn't gay.

Me: Right? Dorian is my absolute favorite. Mainly because of how much he annoyed Cassandra.

Kristen: And everyone.

Me: Yes. I love that they made him gay though, and gave him that amazing mustache. Only a gay guy could pull off a mustache like that.

Kristen: Plus North Korea banned the game because of him. Or something.

Me: North Korea bans everything amazing. Except for The Interview. No one actually cared about that.

Kristen: True. Dorian also had the coolest clothes that no one else could dream of wearing.

Me: I always was fascinated by how many buckles he had on his clothes.

Kristen: They shined in the sun so bright they blinded me with their brilliance.

Me: Just like his comments shined with brilliance.

Kristen: Plus his beautiful teeth...and hair...and everything.

Me: Let's just agree that Dorian is absolutely perfect in every possible way.

Kristen: Agreed.

Iron Bull

Kristen: He has lil eyes.

Me: And enormous arms.

Kristen: I guess he only has one tiny eye.

Me: That's true. That's probably why he uses such enormous weapons. Less chance of missing.

Kristen: Except for when he runs at them in the wrong direction.

Me: And he does do that quite often.

Kristen: It is entertaining though.

Me: It really is. Bonus points for him constantly harassing Dorian and Cassandra.

Kristen: And Sera.

Me: He and Sera seemed to get along quite well. They always plotted things.

Kristen: Evil things.

Me: I'm still a little weirded out that Freddie Prince Jr. did his voice.

Kristen: Same here. Watching him do the voice was weird.

Me: It was also a little odd that Iron Bull enjoyed been hit with a stick.

Kristen: Yeah...

Me: That Cassandra smacked him in the face with. Precious memories.

Kristen: Awww.

Sera

Kristen: Where to even start?

Me: Well I say we make fun of her physical appearance. That's only fair.

Kristen: True. Let's start with that mean face she pulls when you tell her to stop murdering rich people.

Me: You told her to stop murdering rich people? I may have encouraged it.

Kristen: I did once because I knew it would make her upset.

Me: It is satisfying to see her mean eyebrows.

Kristen: And her pig teeth.

Me: Did you notice there is no dip at the bridge of her nose? It just connects straight to her forehead.

Kristen: Ew no how gross.

Me: I am so glad I can ruin her face for you.

Kristen: Well you ruin everything else.

Me: It's a hobby really.

Kristen: And a talent.

Vivienne

Kristen: Angry screech!! I want smash her smug face with a cinder block!

Me: Wow. Don't hold anything back here.

Kristen: She looks like a regal giraffe that needs to be turned into a giraffe stew.

Me: She does have a rather freakishly long neck. The best thing about her is how mean she is to Sera.

Kristen: True. I guess I'll let her live because of that.

Me: And because it's not an option to kill her. I'm sure that's a contributing factor.

Kristen: That too. I make her stay on her stupid balcony

Me: Where she can look down on all the peasants.

Kristen: She has a stupid head.

Me: And wears stupid clothes.

Cullen

Kristen: Aww he's a sad wittle puppy. I can't be mean to him.
Me: I can't either. He's far too attracti-I mean sad.
Kristen: He is super hot- I mean depressed.
Me: With his amazing hair-I mean sad eyes.
Kristen: Oh yes. And don't forget his wonderful voice. I mean cry voice.
Me: And his sword of awesomeness. I mean his sword of sorrow.
Kristen: And his epic lion helmet. Of despair I mean.
Me: And his soft looking fur thing. His fur thing of sadness. Although one complaint. He has skin colored eyes sometimes. I assume it's from crying.
Kristen: Maybe it's cause he hasn't eaten his lyrium.
Me: Or that he threw his lyrium box at you and felt sad.
Kristen: "Maker's breath!"
Me: "I didn't see you come in! PAST MY TEARS!" *Bursts into violent crying fit*
Kristen: *slams the table with his mighty fists of regret*
Me: *punches bookshelf with his gloves of despair*
Kristen: *slides to the floor in defeat*

Josephine

Me: Josephine. My most hated foe.

Kristen: Tell it sistah!

Me: There is no one I wanted to viciously murder more than her.

Kristen: With a cinder block perhaps?

Me: I was thinking more of ripping out her spine and strangling her with it. With her stupid sweaty upper lip and her gold tier sleeved dress. And that stupid clipboard with that stupid candle that she waves around at everybody. What a fire hazard that fool is.

Kristen: Well. That was intense.

Me: Nothing is more intense than my hatred for Josephine.

Kristen: True. Not even my hatred for Solas.

Me: No. Your hatred for Solas is like a birthday candle compared to my fiery hatred inferno.

Kristen: That is true. Why do you hate her so much?

Me: I'm not even entirely sure. I just hate her more than anything, and everything she does infuriates me.

Kristen: I like when she pulls that devious face when you talk to the assassin dude.

Me: It really brought out her upper lip sweat.

Kristen: Yes it did.

Me: I think the thing that sets me off with her is her hideous dress. I cannot get over how monstrously ugly it is.

Kristen: And she thinks she's so good at stuff like that.

Me: And now I believe we have come to the root of my hatred. She always is telling me that I can't be mean to people. That's just who I am, and if she doesn't like it I'll send her to the chopping block.

Kristen: Or at least get out the thumbscrews.

Me: Exactly. Smash her fingers in the door "on accident".

Kristen: I loved doing the prank on her with Sera.

Me: She so deserved that prank. Every time she says the word "exquisite" I want to bounce her sweaty face off the floor. Or push her face into her clipboard candle. Ram that stupid candle right up her nostril.

Kristen: Woah.

Me: Don't pretend you haven't been tempted to do it.

Some Serious Thoughts on a Serious Matter

With the recent legalization of gay marriage across the country, I have noticed a few things that have irked me. 

Right off the bat I would like to point out that in absolutely no way is homosexuality a choice, just as being heterosexual is not a choice. With all of the persecution, hate, and intolerance homosexual individuals have received, it's hard to believe that someone would wake up one day and think, "those homosexuals have such an easy life. I think I'll be one." No. Life is life, and everyone has to play with the card they are dealt with. Everyone has their problems, and everyone is different in one way or another. The rampant intolerance of people is absolutely the problem, not who someone chooses to marry. I want you to imagine that you have found someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. Someone you love and care for. Now I want you to imagine that you were forced away from this person, because other people who are not directly involved in your affairs did not approve. People you don't even know, and people that do not know you. How you can validate that as right or correct is beyond my comprehension. I am heterosexual, and if the same oppression placed on homosexuals was placed on me I absolutely would strive for change. 

There is a line between being religious and being a fanatic. The new law passed today does not force religions to change their doctrine. It does not force heterosexuals to enter into a homosexual relationship. I would not "choose" this lifestyle for myself, but I believe that if that is what other consenting adults want to do, there is no valid argument against it in a court of law. 

In my particular religion, the principles of tolerance have always been emphasized. Whether we agree with someones lifestyle or not, there is never any reason for hatred or unkind behavior towards those people. I have seen many members of the same church as me show nothing but hatred, intolerance, and a deplorable lack of empathy. Nothing is ever gained from belittling, criticizing, or chastising the beliefs of others. 

I'm sure I'm lighting a bees nest on fire with this blog, but I wanted to throw my opinion out there. If you don't like it, I don't particularly care. I will believe what I will believe, and so will everyone else. If you disagree, that is fine. I'm not trying to persuade anyone to think the way that I do. I'm a blogger not a lawyer. 

Anxiety Fire and Snake Tornados

As someone that suffers from anxiety issues, sometimes getting through the day without vomiting can be a challenge. My anxiety is sometimes triggered by things that haven't even happened. But they could happen, and that's what sets me off. Usually though, my anxiety is sparked by me panicking over whether I have forgotten to do something, or if I did something wrong. 

Once I get thinking this way normal social interactions become awkward and weird, as I tend to say the first thing that comes to mind rather than an appropriate response. 

Then they start staring at me.

And then I know I did something wrong.

And they keep looking at me.

And I just stare.

This usually seems to result in the other person slowly backing away, while I go back to my anxiety riddled thoughts. And of course, this awkward interaction later becomes the fuel for my anxiety fire.

Being anxious is probably one of the worst feelings in the world. It feels as if there's a tornado of flaming snakes in your stomach topped with unpredictable sweating. If you are fortunate enough to have never suffered from anxiety, you are either an infant (do your parents know where you are?) or you need to get out more. Let's all acknowledge that anxiety is an actual issue for people, and agree not to look at the person with the squeaky chair with judgmental eyes. Unless of course it happens repeatedly. In that case, that jerk deserves your harsh judgmental eyes. Let's all just agree that it's the worst and move along with our day.

Guest Blog: Kristen's Visit to the Doctor

A note about this post: Recently, Kristen has told me a highly amusing tale about her visit to the doctor, and after asking/ bribing her with food (which she grabbed quickly and ran into a dark room like a flea bitten raccoon), she has agreed to write the story for this blog. Enjoy.

My entire life I have always had some sort of medical annoyance or injury going on. Nothing major ever, just an allergy to bubble bath here (which ruined my childhood) or an accidental self inflicted hammer injury to the knee there (thanks a lot, Lindsay). However, no matter the injury, no matter the illness, I always refused to go to the doctor. Even when I took a wall vent to the face, which looked a little like this:

Thankfully my important documents survived.

Or when I chopped my hand open on my mother’s birthday.

It may have been the worst birthday, but it was also the most exciting.

So it was a pretty big deal when I forced myself to go to the doctor after days of agonizing throat pain and a fever that just wouldn’t quit. I forced my then boyfriend Trent to drive me to the doctor. I figured it could double as a date cause I’m cheap like that.

The paper bag date was the only one that topped it.

So on we went to the doctor, with me wearing my entire winter wardrobe in the middle of a blazing St. George summer to try to ward off the chill I couldn’t escape. When we arrived, I had to fill out some paperwork. Which was nigh unto impossible in my chilled, trembling, low blood sugar haze of near death.

My known allergies.

Finally, after watching what seemed like the entire National Geographic catalog about elephants, we were admitted to the back. The doctor poked me in the neck with his doctor stick while muttering about white girls. Or gills. Or spots on my tonsils. I don’t really know. He decided I needed to stumble down to the blood drawing room of horror because, really, I hadn’t suffered enough.

Now, something I should note here, I have tiny veins. And when I’m nervous, my veins contract. When I’m cold, my veins contract. And here I was nervous and freezing, so I’m pretty sure my veins were the size of half a human hair at this point. The nurse looked at my both my arms, trying to figure out where my blood was. Finally, she just decided to poke me with the hope of finding blood similar to how one just digs hoping to find oil.

There be oil in them there veins!

After twisting and digging around she finally got a bit of dusty blood from me. The second the needle left my body, I bolted out the door in a panic looking for a bathroom in the unfamiliar building so I could upheave every scrap of upheavable upheavables. And then some.

Unfortunately, as stated above, the building was unfamiliar to me. At this point I was so desperate I started flinging open every door within sight. I finally couldn’t take it any more and picked a random door and ran in screeching as best as I could with my mangled throat “I need to puke! Help!”

A flustered woman in a white lab coat thrust a garbage can in my direction just in time. She and Trent stood there looking at each other awkwardly while I heaved. Once all of my organs were in the garbage can, she muttered something about getting some water while backing out of the door as fast as she could. Once she left, I took in my surroundings. It appeared I stumbled into one of those lab rooms where they look at x-rays. It was pretty dark in there. Either that or my vomiting broke my eyes.

The remainder of my day is something I don’t really remember. I’m fairly certain we went to say hi to my future mother in law, who worked in the building at the time. I’m fairly positive I laughed uncontrollably at inappropriate times during the conversation. And then maybe sobbed on the way home. I’m not sure. Honestly, to this day I still don’t remember if we went and got a prescription or if I even got a diagnosis. And that my friends, is why I don't go to the doctor.