People That Tell Me to Smile
Anyone that tells me to smile is going to get the angriest expression that I can mutate my pasty face into. I will twist my eyebrows until they resemble the weapon I want to murder you with. Whenever someone tells me to smile, I can feel my teeth refining themselves into very fine points with immense puncturing power. I could probably bite a fully inflated basketball in half, not to mention the damage I could do to your burlap sack of a face.
People Who Think They Have Authority When They Don't
I don't know why people think they can just dictate my life, when I am clearly the type of person who will do the opposite of what you think I should do. "Lindsay, you should buy food that won't give you diabetes by the time you're 30", "Lindsay, you should stop biting your nails like some sort of feral garbage eating animal", "Lindsay, using spray paint is an outdoor activity", "Lindsay, stop leaving a pile of chip crumbs in the bathroom". I'm not going to do any of those things. Don't insert your snout into my business.
People That Think They Are Professionals
Let me tell you something that your mother should have told you a long time ago. Just because you've dabbled in Photoshop, you are not a professional at Photoshop and you never will be. Just because you own one of those fancy cameras with the option to take the lens off, you are not a professional photographer. We've all seen your selfies. We all know you are not good at Photoshop or photography. If an actual professional is demonstrating how to do something, no one wants to see your sweaty ham of an arm shoot into the air to offer your advise on a subject you know next to nothing about. I've had people tell me that they could be Graphic Designers because they were able to throw some digital garbage together that got a handful of likes on Facebook. I'm not a professional at Graphic Design, but I know enough to tell you that you shouldn't use 13 different fonts on a "Fun Run for Toenail Cancer" flyer. I can tell you everything wrong with your "design" and I will make you feel bad, just like you deserve if you claim that you could be a Graphic Designer without any education. You talentless parasite.
People Who Are Pushy and Aggressive About Everything
I don't state my opinion on certain things for a very good reason. Most people that affiliate with me would not agree with me. These are the types of people that would not let it die either. I'm sorry I don't think that Obama is the reason traffic was bad this morning. I'm sorry I don't think that selfie sticks are a good invention. I'm sorry I don't think that pumpkin spice flavored anything is a reasonable thing to buy. We all know at least one person on Facebook that is constantly posting something that is completely racist, sexist, or whatever and within five minutes write about how they are the most tolerant human being that has ever existed. Listen to me you hypocritical hog faced prune. Your opinion doesn't matter to me, and I will never believe what you do no matter how many articles you post from the Onion under the impression that it is true. Oh no, I didn't buy the milk brand that you have a disturbing obsession with. I bet if you're passive aggressive about it and post links to tell me about my poisonous milk, I'll come around to your side. Wait no, I will counter attack by sharing a picture of me guzzling said milk. Don't play this game with me. I guarantee that I will either be way more aggressive than you or (most likely) I will be far too lazy to pursue an argument with an idiot such as yourself.
