Leliana
Me: I feel like swimming would be a big problem for her, even though her dress looks like fins. "She would sink right to the bottom."
Kristen: Fins are all the craze you know.
Me: I always have enjoyed how sharp her teeth look. If she bit you she probably wouldn't ever let go.
Kristen: Like a shark?
Me: Or a piraña.
Kristen: Woah very fancy there with the Spanish squiggly above your n.
Me: I do things fancy or not at all. Much like Leliana.
Kristen: Also I need to do my hair like hers. Chopped.
Me: Her hair was not what I expected it would look like once she took off her chainmail hood. I think the best part about Leliana is that she had like three different accents.
Kristen: I really like the accent at the war table. The really heavy one.
Me: There's the war table one, the angry one, and the angrier one.
Kristen: I know! I also like her bipolarness. One second she's talking about saving the mages then the next she violently stabs someone in the throat, and says it was because of you.
Me: I appreciated when she stabbed people because of me. It was like early Christmas.
Kristen: And you have the opportunity to encourage her. Like when you say "she knew too much" or whatever.
Me: "She deserved it. Let's go home."
Cassandra
Kristen: Ahh my favorite. Cassandra.
Me: She is seriously the best.
Kristen: I'm pretty sure her jaw line growled when we first met.
Me: Agreed. And I thought her scar was a second mouth of some sort.
Kristen: Also her eyebrows cut me.
Me: "Tell me why we shouldn't kill you now." *frown*
Kristen: *Disgusted grunt*
Me: Cassandra always takes herself so seriously which makes her terrifying and hilarious. I seriously would not enjoy having her angry at me.
Kristen: She frightens me in real life. Like I did everything she asked of me cause I thought she would come through my dreams and kill me.
Me: I feel like she could make normal non lethal items into horrendous tools of murder. Such as dreams.
Kristen: Agreed. I fell in love with her after that first growl.
Me: I didn't. I was frightened, but I immediately knew I wanted to torment her relentlessly. And make her say the word "cleric" as much as possible.
Kristen: And be mean to Varric.
Me: That snake.
Kristen: "We all know what side you're on!"
Me: *Dramatic hand gesture*
Varric
Kristen: Varric...he was useless to me and I feel there is no point in mentioning him.
Me: I feel he needs to be mentioned only because of his very distracting facial scars. I never could hear what he was saying because I couldn't stop staring at his nose scar. Not to mention his silk shirt.
Kristen: Ew that was open to his navel?
Me: That's the one. The navel silk shirt.
Solas
Me: Solas is one of the worst characters in a video game ever.
Kristen: He stinks through the TV screen.
Me: And his sweat makes the TV get covered in condensation. He looks like he wears hemp underwear with those stupid leggings of his.
Kristen: Ugh he makes me physically ill.
Me: Anyone as sweaty as Solas is also probably physically ill.
Kristen: He is so condescending I want to vomit down his back.
Me: Well I'm sure he has already vomited down his front.
Kristen: It'll match!
Me: And match the stains I'm sure he has in his hemp underpants. I'm guessing as a child he had a lot of problems with diaper rash and pin worms.
Kristen: Ugh.
Blackwall
Kristen: I forgot Blackwall existed. His beard is nice. But his voice scares me.
Me: His beard looks like a deformed turkey of some sort. He's one of the most pathetic characters in this game. What with his crippling depression and whatever.
Kristen: Plus his shirt makes him look chubsy.
Me: He looks like a slightly meaner and less emotionally stable Pillsberry doughboy.
Kristen: True. Plus he gets so mad when you don't let him tag along.
Me: His eyebrows go into those sad slopes of misery. And he yells at you when you find anything to do with Grey Wardens even though he ends up [SPOILER] not even being a Grey Warden.
Kristen: That worm.
Cole
Kristen: He's so shiny with sweat.
Me: He looks like he has been deep fried. Or at least had Gatorade poured on him after an important sport thing.
Kristen: Yeah. Plus I never know what he's trying to say.
Me: I know all the words he's using but when he puts them together they don't make any sense.
Kristen: I think he had a stroke then fell down the stairs and then had another stroke.
Me: And hit his head on every stair on the way down.
Dorian
Kristen: My true love. If only he wasn't gay.
Me: Right? Dorian is my absolute favorite. Mainly because of how much he annoyed Cassandra.
Kristen: And everyone.
Me: Yes. I love that they made him gay though, and gave him that amazing mustache. Only a gay guy could pull off a mustache like that.
Kristen: Plus North Korea banned the game because of him. Or something.
Me: North Korea bans everything amazing. Except for The Interview. No one actually cared about that.
Kristen: True. Dorian also had the coolest clothes that no one else could dream of wearing.
Me: I always was fascinated by how many buckles he had on his clothes.
Kristen: They shined in the sun so bright they blinded me with their brilliance.
Me: Just like his comments shined with brilliance.
Kristen: Plus his beautiful teeth...and hair...and everything.
Me: Let's just agree that Dorian is absolutely perfect in every possible way.
Kristen: Agreed.
Iron Bull
Kristen: He has lil eyes.
Me: And enormous arms.
Kristen: I guess he only has one tiny eye.
Me: That's true. That's probably why he uses such enormous weapons. Less chance of missing.
Kristen: Except for when he runs at them in the wrong direction.
Me: And he does do that quite often.
Kristen: It is entertaining though.
Me: It really is. Bonus points for him constantly harassing Dorian and Cassandra.
Kristen: And Sera.
Me: He and Sera seemed to get along quite well. They always plotted things.
Kristen: Evil things.
Me: I'm still a little weirded out that Freddie Prince Jr. did his voice.
Kristen: Same here. Watching him do the voice was weird.
Me: It was also a little odd that Iron Bull enjoyed been hit with a stick.
Kristen: Yeah...
Me: That Cassandra smacked him in the face with. Precious memories.
Kristen: Awww.
Sera
Kristen: Where to even start?
Me: Well I say we make fun of her physical appearance. That's only fair.
Kristen: True. Let's start with that mean face she pulls when you tell her to stop murdering rich people.
Me: You told her to stop murdering rich people? I may have encouraged it.
Kristen: I did once because I knew it would make her upset.
Me: It is satisfying to see her mean eyebrows.
Kristen: And her pig teeth.
Me: Did you notice there is no dip at the bridge of her nose? It just connects straight to her forehead.
Kristen: Ew no how gross.
Me: I am so glad I can ruin her face for you.
Kristen: Well you ruin everything else.
Me: It's a hobby really.
Kristen: And a talent.
Vivienne
Kristen: Angry screech!! I want smash her smug face with a cinder block!
Me: Wow. Don't hold anything back here.
Kristen: She looks like a regal giraffe that needs to be turned into a giraffe stew.
Me: She does have a rather freakishly long neck. The best thing about her is how mean she is to Sera.
Kristen: True. I guess I'll let her live because of that.
Me: And because it's not an option to kill her. I'm sure that's a contributing factor.
Kristen: That too. I make her stay on her stupid balcony
Me: Where she can look down on all the peasants.
Kristen: She has a stupid head.
Me: And wears stupid clothes.
Cullen
Kristen: Aww he's a sad wittle puppy. I can't be mean to him.
Me: I can't either. He's far too attracti-I mean sad.
Kristen: He is super hot- I mean depressed.
Me: With his amazing hair-I mean sad eyes.
Kristen: Oh yes. And don't forget his wonderful voice. I mean cry voice.
Me: And his sword of awesomeness. I mean his sword of sorrow.
Kristen: And his epic lion helmet. Of despair I mean.
Me: And his soft looking fur thing. His fur thing of sadness. Although one complaint. He has skin colored eyes sometimes. I assume it's from crying.
Kristen: Maybe it's cause he hasn't eaten his lyrium.
Me: Or that he threw his lyrium box at you and felt sad.
Kristen: "Maker's breath!"
Me: "I didn't see you come in! PAST MY TEARS!" *Bursts into violent crying fit*
Kristen: *slams the table with his mighty fists of regret*
Me: *punches bookshelf with his gloves of despair*
Kristen: *slides to the floor in defeat*
Me: I can't either. He's far too attracti-I mean sad.
Kristen: He is super hot- I mean depressed.
Me: With his amazing hair-I mean sad eyes.
Kristen: Oh yes. And don't forget his wonderful voice. I mean cry voice.
Me: And his sword of awesomeness. I mean his sword of sorrow.
Kristen: And his epic lion helmet. Of despair I mean.
Me: And his soft looking fur thing. His fur thing of sadness. Although one complaint. He has skin colored eyes sometimes. I assume it's from crying.
Kristen: Maybe it's cause he hasn't eaten his lyrium.
Me: Or that he threw his lyrium box at you and felt sad.
Kristen: "Maker's breath!"
Me: "I didn't see you come in! PAST MY TEARS!" *Bursts into violent crying fit*
Kristen: *slams the table with his mighty fists of regret*
Me: *punches bookshelf with his gloves of despair*
Kristen: *slides to the floor in defeat*
Josephine
Me: Josephine. My most hated foe.
Kristen: Tell it sistah!
Me: There is no one I wanted to viciously murder more than her.
Kristen: With a cinder block perhaps?
Me: I was thinking more of ripping out her spine and strangling her with it. With her stupid sweaty upper lip and her gold tier sleeved dress. And that stupid clipboard with that stupid candle that she waves around at everybody. What a fire hazard that fool is.
Kristen: Well. That was intense.
Me: Nothing is more intense than my hatred for Josephine.
Kristen: True. Not even my hatred for Solas.
Me: No. Your hatred for Solas is like a birthday candle compared to my fiery hatred inferno.
Kristen: That is true. Why do you hate her so much?
Me: I'm not even entirely sure. I just hate her more than anything, and everything she does infuriates me.
Kristen: I like when she pulls that devious face when you talk to the assassin dude.
Me: It really brought out her upper lip sweat.
Kristen: Yes it did.
Me: I think the thing that sets me off with her is her hideous dress. I cannot get over how monstrously ugly it is.
Kristen: And she thinks she's so good at stuff like that.
Me: And now I believe we have come to the root of my hatred. She always is telling me that I can't be mean to people. That's just who I am, and if she doesn't like it I'll send her to the chopping block.
Kristen: Or at least get out the thumbscrews.
Me: Exactly. Smash her fingers in the door "on accident".
Kristen: I loved doing the prank on her with Sera.
Me: She so deserved that prank. Every time she says the word "exquisite" I want to bounce her sweaty face off the floor. Or push her face into her clipboard candle. Ram that stupid candle right up her nostril.
Kristen: Woah.
Me: Don't pretend you haven't been tempted to do it.
