The Omegle Adventures: Part II

Stranger: asl
You: That information is classified.
Stranger has disconnected.

Stranger: hi
You: Greetings
Stranger: m
You: Location?
Stranger: usa
You: I'll be sending help to you right away, madam.
Stranger has disconnected.

Stranger: M
You: Age?
Stranger: 15
You: Your mother is looking for you M aged 15. Best report back soon. She might get worried.
Stranger has disconnected.

Stranger: hi
You: Greetings friend! Do you wish to look as happy as me? Just send one dollar to Happy Dude at 742 Evergreen Terrace. Happiness is only a dollar away!
Stranger has disconnected

Stranger: http://thisisntporn.com
You: Oh, I trust that.
Stranger has disconnected.

You: Hello
You: No way! Shut up!
You: Do you ever stop talking?
You: Goodness me.
You: I don't think that story is true.
You: Stop talking! It's all LIES!
You: LIES I TELL YOU!
You: You don't know me. You have no idea what I've been through!
You: NO IDEA!
You: *sob sob sob*
You: You're just saying that because deep down you know that you love me!
You: LOVE ME!
Stranger has disconnected.

Stranger: ohhh woooow
Stranger: how u gusse
Stranger: babby
You: How dare you.
Stranger: u girl or boy
You: I stare at you, and judge you harshly!
You: Neither. I am a sophisticated woman!
You: Shame!
Stranger: ohh ok
Stranger: u want to me
You: I can't even begin to describe my horror over that excuse of a sentence.
Stranger: i wanna see u
You: I think I just barfed a little over your grammatical atrocities.
Stranger: wht ur name
Stranger: ??
You: Sister Grammar
Stranger: hahahah
Stranger: nice name
Stranger: do u have facebook
You: I indeed have a face and a few books actually.
You: Perhaps you should read a book one of these days.
Stranger: u wanna me
You: You are a grotesque little shrew aren't you?
Stranger: yes or no
You: Is this a trick question?
You: Oh just kidding, the answer is no, and will always be no. I am just far too uncomfortable with your grammar situation.
Stranger: im singal i dont have g
Stranger: gf
You: Well I can't see why not as you are clearly a winner. *cough..lies..cough cough*
Stranger: well u merry me
You: You really don't take blunt messages well do you?
Stranger: ur age ?
You: I am 5!/3!.
Stranger: nice
You: And how old are you little girl?
Stranger: im not girl im boy 27old
You: You have had 27 years to figure out how to write a sentence. Sigh. This is why humanity is dead.
Stranger: i dont knw wht ur think abut me ??
Stranger: do u have other acumt
You: I don't know what you says to me??
You: No I am fresh out of "acumts".
Stranger: no facebook do u have
Stranger: u like me or not
You: I would like you to use your best judgement and tell me if I like you or not.
Stranger: okkkk
Stranger: 9********* tht my phone number
Stranger: call me now
You: That's not going to happen.
Stranger: why
You: Why do you think?
You: (Think really hard)
Stranger: u lice me ?
You: *Facepalm*
Stranger: wht ?
Stranger: give me ur skype id
You: I don't know whether I should be sad for you or if I should be sad for the education system.
Stranger: i dont knw eht u says
You: A dictionary might help.
You: (That's the big book with words in it)
Stranger: where ur from ??
You: Mars
Stranger: bye
Stranger: i dont want u
Stranger has disconnected.

Stranger: m
You: Hello
You: And what is your emergency, m?
Stranger: f?
You: Ma'am this line is for emergencies only.
Stranger: no need to be a smartass.
You: Ma'am do you need me to call an ambulance for you?
Stranger has disconnected

Stranger: hi whatt r u doin ??
You: Oh you know, hunting elephants.
Stranger has disconnected

Embarrassment: Walmart Edition

Before I begin my tale of embarrassment and sorrow, I need to make one thing clear. I hate shopping at Walmart. I prefer stores with less hideous groups of hoodlums and whipersnappers. (I am so last century in my insulting, right?) On the few occasions that I do go to Walmart, I always seem to successfully humiliate myself, which is difficult when you are surrounded by 21st century cave dwellers looking to buy some new sweatpants. My most recent humiliating experience was a few weeks ago when I went to Walmart to get some groceries (Pepsi and cookies) with my sister Andrea (mother, burger lover) and my niece Acacia (Mess maker, face puncher). Of course Acacia refused to walk or sit in the cart, and insisted that I carried her. But I couldn't carry a cooperative child. Unacceptable. Acacia decided to struggle and smack me with every limb she has (which seemed to multiply by the hundreds for extra smackin'). She's also been doing this thing that when I carry her she screams for help and has a distressed look on her face. I feel that nothing would bring her more joy than me getting arrested for kidnapping, or overall suspiciousness. So as we were walking around getting our groceries Acacia was fighting me like she wanted to see my teeth on the ground, and I started to sweat like a big fatso in a swamp. This made me look like more of a creep, and thus more eligible for arrest. We finally finished and went to get our stuff at a self check out. This happened to be the one time I actually had any cash and so I decided to pay with that instead of my card. Bad idea. Very bad idea. My money apparently jammed the machine, causing it to show exclamation points and scream in pain. While the employees, who kept giving me dirty looks, went to go get someone to fix it, I stood there and started sweating even more. I call this the irritated sweat. I walked over to where Andrea was laughing at me and she politely informed me that my pants zipper was down. Great. Just what I needed. Unfortunately, everyone was looking at me as I was the cause of the screaming machine, so I am quite certain that every single one of them saw me zip up my pants. While sweating. In public. They finally fixed the machine, and gave me my change that the machine decided to have for a snack. Despite all of this, I walked out of Walmart with my head held high, sweat pouring, and my zipper down once again.