An Apology Letter From Kristen to Me

So apparently, Kristen (the Furbie skinning chick) is feeling guilty about my childhood trauma (Cue Cordelia Chase). 

Thanks Cordelia.

Anyways here is her list of apologies, with my remarks in italics. Enjoy.

As I’ve reflected on my life, which I often do after eating too much, I realized that I haven’t been the best big sister. To be fair, I haven’t been the worst, but still. So here is a somewhat heartfelt apology letter to my lil sis, Lindsay.

Lindsay, I apologize for the time when we were kids and I stuffed you into the garbage can and laughed about it. (I probably would have laughed too.)

I also apologize for then stuffing you in the hamper and kicking it over. Then telling mom that the devil made me do it. (Makes sense, since you are the devil.)

Please forgive me for testing your Spiderman toy’s web slinging abilities by throwing it over the neighbors fence and snapping it’s head off. (I still haven't gotten over that.)

I’m sorry for denting your head in with a golf club. And a spiky headed lion toy. (Funny...I don't remember this...)

I’m also sorry for chasing you down and trying to beat you with a hammer. I hope the fact that I was the only one that got injured is some sort of consolation. (One of the highlights of my life.)

I regret smashing our hockey sticks right in front of you. However, the terror in your eyes was quite delightful. (I was genuinely terrified.) 

I want you to know I have reformed my ways, and will never skin another one of your Furbie’s again. (Luckily I don't own many Furbie's anymore.)

I also will never force you to watch James and the Giant Peach, even though it’s hilarious how scared you get. (Worst. Movie. Ever.)

I’m sorry for always laughing at your school pictures...and your driver’s license picture where your hair makes you look like you’re wearing a Darth Vader helmet. Or a big dumb gumdrop.  I’ll try very hard not to laugh at them any more...but to be safe, I’m sorry for future laughs. (I'll laugh at yours too.)

I can’t say this won’t happen again, but I’m sorry for always pointing out the dumb things you do. Especially when you think no one saw (i.e. falling down the stairs during that cookout at Bruce and Autumn’s). (I hate that you saw me fall down the stairs.)

I’d also like to make up for the time I told you listening to Linkin Park would send you to Hell. (It probably will.)

I truly regret putting half a container of seasoning salt on your burger and not telling you so I could see your reaction…wait...Andrea did that to me. I better be getting one of these letters soon Andrea! (Awkward silence.)

I’m sorry for the telling you the cats would eat your injured foot because it smelled like raw meat after you stepped on that pencil. (I couldn't sleep that whole night. Thanks jerk.)

I’m also regretful of testing out the limits of physics with your bike instead of my own. If it helps, the way the handles dangle to the ground now is really cool looking. (It makes it really fun to ride too. I'm sure. I don't exercise anymore. Fat power!)

I beg your forgiveness for kicking you in the back while holding your arms while at work. (Why did you even do this?)

Also, forgive me for turning your spine into a Z after shoving you into the soup cans at work. (Don't worry, the physical therapy corrected that.)

I also ask for forgiveness for trying to make you kiss the floor at work. (Don't forget the ice machine. And the coolers. And the popcorn machine.)

Also, sorry for burning you with a rubber band at work. (The burn was purple you monster!)

Just forgive me for like 90% of our time spent together at Terry’s. (I've forgotten most of it, so that should be easy. Must be from the drain bramage.)

And finally, I’m very sorry for the time you came in my room and I grabbed your arm and twisted it until I’m sure the blood vessels were on the verge of bursting. Then telling you I was going to kill you. (Another sleepless night.)

I’m sure that I have much more to apologize for and will need to apologize again. Keep a list for me. (I love making lists of things to make you feel bad about yourself.)